The New York mega millions jackpot is now $500 million dollars!
Needless to say I will most definitely be purchasing a ticket or 20 to increase my chances of winning. Then, when they finally announce my winning numbers, I will promptly contact my real estate agent and purchase an absurdly expensive apartment in manhattan or my own private island, retire, and possibly invest in some arm candy or a trophy husband.
Hey, a girl can dream can’t she?
I think we can learn a lot from the entire concept of the lottery, I am referring in particular to the tag line.
“You gotta be in it to win it.”
Very profound statement right there that we can all internalize and learn from.
In life, one cannot expect things to just happen for them. That suddenly out of the blue the man/woman/job/lifestyle/shoes of your dreams will just drop out of the sky and into your lap. You can’t expect to win the game if you’re sitting on the sidelines.
As much as we would love to believe in things like love conquering all, all you need is love, gag-inducing, sugar-coated romantic comedies and fairy tales, it just isn’t realistic.
Things in life take effort. Things in life are not easy.
However, don’t despair! If you do want the man/woman/job/lifestyle/shoes of your dreams… it is, in fact, possible! You just have to put yourself out there, and as unfeasible as it appears, try. Even if you don’t succeed, at least you can say that you gave it your best shot. At least you don’t have to wonder “what if”?
So people my message to you is as follows: Take chances, make mistakes, be risky, do whatever it takes to chase you’re dreams and passions.
Well ladies and gents…it seems that the pigeons are flocking yet again… the exes slowly crawling out of the woodwork and making their presence known.
It’s really not a normal thing. I’m still dumbfounded by the happenings over the past few days. Each one punctuated by the appearance (both physical and technological) of someone from my past.
The sound of a broken heart, like a siren, apparently a sound only dogs men can hear. It’s beyond all logic and reason.
HOW DO THEY KNOW!?
It doesn’t make any sense! Is there some kind of secret society? Does a secret code go out to the members of the male clan the moment I am single yet again? Do they have some kind of radar for feminine availability? WHAT IS IT?
WHAT IS MY LIFE????????
I’m calm, I promise. I just want a time out from life for a little. Just a small case of retrograde amnesia or a brief vacation where I can get away from all of this craziness.
Imagine yourself in my shoes for just a moment if you will…
You’ve just had your heart crushed into a trillion pieces, and then, if that wasn’t enough, you have to run into him AND every other person who has ever broken your heart in the past… ALL IN THE SPAN OF 5 days.
5 days, 4 men/guys/men-children.
It’s times like these where I imagine the big guy upstairs kicking back and enjoying the show from up above. Thinking to himself what else can we throw at her? How much more can she handle?
Apparently a lot because I’m still functioning somehow.
In the midst of all of this, I began thinking to myself… Perhaps the reason for all of this is because the universe wants me to think long and hard about the similarities and/or differences between each one of those relationships.
What worked? What didn’t? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t it work?
A time to reflect for a moment, as much as I hate to live in the past, I simply could not ignore such an obvious plea to revisit the past and ponder those experiences.
I don’t know about you, but after a break up sometimes I go into the mood where I blame myself for the relationship failing. Somehow it had to have been something I had done or didn’t do that caused him to leave. What other explanation could there be? In my head, maybe if I had been the “perfect” girlfriend, then there would be no need to end the relationship. How can someone just walk away from perfection?, I would reason.
HOWEVER, I have come to realize over the past few days, that sometimes the problem isn’t me! Actually, in all 4 of those cases the problem had zero to do with me! The problem, in fact, was with them! The problem could actually be narrowed down to a single common denominator.
One unanimous overriding theme that I have mentioned time and time again.
That being, a severe lack of the will to stand up and fight for yourself, for us and for your own happiness.
It had nothing to do with me and had everything to do with them.
Each one of them faced a test over the span of the relationship. The level of difficulty in each case varied however, they all failed. Not one of them was able to man up and rise to the challenge. Instead, every single one of them buried their heads in the sand and turned their backs on the relationship.
Oh, things are getting difficult…time to bail!
Fine. Very well. If that’s how they are, then it’s better that I know now instead of ten years down the line when we are married and encounter difficult or trying times. I don’t want a man who can’t be there for me through the hard times! What use is that? What kind of partner just turns their back on you at that critical moment when you need them the most?
The bigger question is…
How could I have allowed this to happen to me 4 times? Granted, each time was different, I was different, the circumstances were different. But at the end of the day the result was the same. It’s a wonder I don’t have severe abandonment issues.
I guess each time I hoped things would turn out differently. I hoped that he would be “the one” who would stick by me through it all, no matter what, unconditionally, forever. That little glimmer of hope is what leads me to open up to the next guy and the one after that.
I’ve often preached that one should never have expectations for they only lead to disappointment. If you keep your expectations low, you’re in the clear because not only do you avoid getting hurt, but you leave room to be pleasantly surprised.
Apparently I am a hypocrite though, because despite what I preach, that tiny spark of hope constantly gets me into the same predicament.
I haven’t seen The Hunger Games yet, however, I have read all the books. Highly recommended by the way. Anyway, while watching Good Morning America the other day, they showed this clip which fits in very appropriately with how I am feeling.
The overall message is to contain that spark of hope; don’t let it turn into a blazing fire. In the Hunger Games, it is the high class “Capitol” that does not want the lower class “districts” to overthrow them.
Why are they fearful of this?
Well, it is because hope can be a very powerful thing when wielded in the right hands. It can allow you to believe you can accomplish things, to ignite change.
My favorite line in that clip is when Donald Sutherland says “hope…it is the only thing stronger than fear.”
So, I will continue to hope. I will be different than the men of my past who were fearful and allowed me walk out of their lives.
Yes, I will hope. It is a far better alternative to living in fear.
As any well-read individual may know, today is a very notable day in history. I am referring, of course, to the Ides of March (aka March 15th). The day that Brutus backstabbed his bestie Caesar.
Considering the fact that my luck lately has been (to put it mildly) sub-par, I would love nothing more than to hide inside all day like a hobbit on a particularly unlucky day of the year.
Let me clarify, I’m not a superstitious person, I just would rather not tempt the fates who seem to have it out for me. I’m consoled by the notion that at this point things can ONLY get better because frankly, how much worse can they get? (this question alone is tempting the fates…I can feel them scheming).
Unfortunately, I made a promise to myself and those closest to me, that instead of cowering in the corner , wallowing in self pity and despair, I will face the day. Even if it’s the Ides of March…
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your love and support. It’s appreciated.
We’ve all been there at some point or another…You know what I’m talking about when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach each morning halfway between sleep and wake…That nauseating feeling where you realize something is very wrong. It always manages to jolt me right awake once I acknowledge the source … like “oh ..right..that happened.” The few short hours of escape in dreamland rudely awakened by a harsh reality.
You know you’re truly unhappy when you catch yourself frowning at nothing in particular. There I’ll be, driving home from class waiting for the light to change and I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear-view mirror: furrowed brow and lips turned down to a frowny face.
It’s automatic. It’s beyond my control just like my life lately- how poetic.
This past week has been, in short, a nightmare. As high as I was for the past 4 months, I have turned a full 180. Murphy’s law to the zillionth degree. It’s just one thing after another after another. Down and down I go.
I keep asking myself “WHAT else could possibly go wrong?” And predictably, the answer comes in the form of something else beyond my control swooping in like a pigeon spotting its target and pelting me with MORE crap.
This clip from My Cousin Vinny pretty much sums up how I’m feeling but with a more comedic spin… Vinny gets me.
But, the world stops for no one. It just keeps on turning and I with it. So, I get up and begin my daily routines in the hopes that eventually it will get easier. Eventually, the pain will fade. Eventually, time will heal the wounds-deep as they may be.
In the meanwhile, distractions are always welcome…hence my return to the blogosphere (albeit a slightly different angle).
I’ve always found that music has an innate power over me. The artists and songs I like are not based on catchy beats or rhythms. It’s the lyrics that capture and inspire me.
There have been times where I can be listening to a song and begin to nod my head as if to say “That is SO my life!”
Love it when that happens.
Suffice it to say that at this point in my life I have two options relating to music preferences…
1) Sad and depressing songs about loving and losing
or
2) Empowering and inspirational music that allow me to hope and believe that (forgive the cliche) “I Will Survive”
Guess which ones I pick?
Well, if it wasn’t obvious, I choose the empowering music. Music and lyrics that say “YOU CAN DO IT!”
So, that being said. Here is a totally random compilation of songs I’ve been rocking out to in an attempt to shine some light on the dark cloud that’s been following me around lately.
I know most of you were concerned by my absence over the past few months… The endless marquee of possibilities scrolling through your heads…
Where can she be?
What has become of little Miss Checkplease?
Many of you may have thought I had gotten swept up in a whirlwind beautiful relationship and was headed down the road to wedded bliss…
That perhaps I managed to find love in such a hopeless place…
So did I.
Guess what?
So did I.
Alas, ladies and gents, the moment you let your guard down is the moment you are asking, nay, begging for your heart to get stomped on. It’s a conundrum really, how else can you expect to really get close to a person and yet still protect yourself in the (in my case, inevitable) event that it all comes crashing down around you? Such a catch-22.
One minute you’re on cloud nine and the next thing you know, you’re entire life has been altered for the worse. Like the old table cloth trick, my world has been ripped out from right under me. Sure, many can say that I’ve been through heartache before. I’ve had a difficult life, I’m a strong girl who can handle anything. Blah blah blah.
But I am sick of it.
SICK of having people tell me that I should chin up and be strong and carry on. I’m sick of being strong. I don’t want to have to be strong anymore! It’s EXHAUSTING. And I’m tired. Sick and tired of it all.
I think I may have mentioned this is an older post but it bears repeating. What do women want? They want a man who will fight to the death to be with her.
When you’ve kissed enough frogs to have finally found your prince, he better damn well be ready and willing to fight the dragon or whatever else that stands in the way of your happiness.
Because in all honesty the only thing I want is just to be happy. I think I’ve dealt with enough crap in my life to deserve to catch a flippin’ break, a tiny shred of happiness! WHY is that such a freaken impossible feat? Is that such an outrageous request?
Yes, yes it is.
It’s times like now where I’m grateful I have this here blog to vent my frustrations out into the blogosphere. Regardless of whether or not anybody even reads it, or remembers who I am at this point since I’ve been MIA since December. I’m a billion percent sure that no one can relate to what I am going through. And I hope no one ever will. I just have to vent.
According to a self help book which I can’t recall the name of at the moment, when you are feeling down you should make a list of things you are grateful for. So here it goes:
1) My mother who is the strongest person I know (guess I had to learn it from somewhere).
2) My posse/b*tch clique and their boundless love and support in the form of chocolates, cupcakes, oily fast food and betch sesshes.
3) My guy friends with their crazy antics and big masculine hugs. They don’t ask questions which is sometimes really nice considering the last thing on this planet that I would want to do is to relive this. Ever.
4) My health- I feel like thats a biggie these days. I did lose 6 pounds over this (not a diet I would recommend).
5) School. Yea, I can’t believe that even made it on the list. Without it, I would have way too much time to think and dwell and replay and reminisce and all those things you really shouldn’t do post-break.
So, what now?
Well, when life throws you lemons…make lemonade.
When life throws you a steaming pile of crap… politely decline.
It’s clear that the big guy upstairs has bigger plans for me. My purpose is on this here earth extends beyond my small hometown. Therefore, I’m taking the high road and high tailing it out of here as soon as humanly possible.
As I was mentally moving as far away from this place as possible, and in the midst of singlehandedly funding the Puffs tissue business, the big guy upstairs decided to infuse some much needed comic relief into my life in the form of irony.
While scrolling through the channels on my TV in an attempt to numb as much of my brain as possible, my mother commented on a sports game that was on. (Sidebar: One of my old boyfriends from 3 years ago used to play for his college team.) My mother remarked on how its such a dangerous sport and blah blah. Meanwhile the whole time I was nodding because I remember having to cover my eyes when I would go to his games and watch him play. Very violent stuff.
Anyway, as if on cue, he calls me.
Dumbfounded look on my face
I kid you not.
WHAT IS MY LIFE!!!???
Anyway the short and short of it was he was in the area and stopped by to drop something off to give to a local charity. Yep, there he was, standing in my living room.
The moment he left the house, my mother and I turn to each other and burst out hysterically laughing for the first time in 10 days.
WHAT are the odds? It still isn’t registering. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I guess it’s time for all my exes to start crawling out of the woodwork.
As I write this I’m shaking my head and rolling my eyes in disbelief. I honestly don’t even know why I am surprised because, being who I am, I should be used to weird/strange/ironic things happening to me. It should be mundane to me. However, after spending the past few months in an alternate universe of rainbows and puppy dogs, I guess the time has come for me to come back to reality.
A reality where a girl who is named for luck, is unlucky.
A reality where I have to return back to the unforgiving, bottom of the barrel, hilarity ensuing, tedious task of searching for my kindred/soulmate and inevitably entertaining you dear readers along the way.
Wish me luck … I clearly need it more than you think.
To sum:
To quote Kelly Clarkson (been listening to her on repeat) aka my mew mantra…
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone!!!”
RT @TheseDamnQuote: When you learn to accept instead of expect, You'll surely avoid getting hurt and you'll have fewer disappointments. 1 year ago
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RT @TheseDamnQuote: Sometimes, all a girl wants is for you to fight for her and make her believe that you want the relationship more tha ... 1 year ago
