Cue the ear-piercing high pitched siren blaring in the background…
What is it saying?
wooooooooooooooooooo She’s single wooooooooooooooooooooooooo
woooooooooooooooo all systems go woooooooooooooooooooooooooo
woooooooooooooooo man the battle stations woooooooooooooooooooo
wooooooooooooooooooo attack! attack! attack! wooooooooooooooooooooo
Well ladies and gents…it seems that the pigeons are flocking yet again… the exes slowly crawling out of the woodwork and making their presence known.
It’s really not a normal thing. I’m still dumbfounded by the happenings over the past few days. Each one punctuated by the appearance (both physical and technological) of someone from my past.
The sound of a broken heart, like a siren, apparently a sound only
dogs men can hear. It’s beyond all logic and reason.
HOW DO THEY KNOW!?
It doesn’t make any sense! Is there some kind of secret society? Does a secret code go out to the members of the male clan the moment I am single yet again? Do they have some kind of radar for feminine availability? WHAT IS IT?
WHAT IS MY LIFE????????
I’m calm, I promise. I just want a time out from life for a little. Just a small case of retrograde amnesia or a brief vacation where I can get away from all of this craziness.
Imagine yourself in my shoes for just a moment if you will…
You’ve just had your heart crushed into a trillion pieces, and then, if that wasn’t enough, you have to run into him AND every other person who has ever broken your heart in the past… ALL IN THE SPAN OF 5 days.
5 days, 4 men/guys/men-children.
It’s times like these where I imagine the big guy upstairs kicking back and enjoying the show from up above. Thinking to himself what else can we throw at her? How much more can she handle?
Apparently a lot because I’m still functioning somehow.
In the midst of all of this, I began thinking to myself… Perhaps the reason for all of this is because the universe wants me to think long and hard about the similarities and/or differences between each one of those relationships.
What worked? What didn’t? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t it work?
A time to reflect for a moment, as much as I hate to live in the past, I simply could not ignore such an obvious plea to revisit the past and ponder those experiences.
I don’t know about you, but after a break up sometimes I go into the mood where I blame myself for the relationship failing. Somehow it had to have been something I had done or didn’t do that caused him to leave. What other explanation could there be? In my head, maybe if I had been the “perfect” girlfriend, then there would be no need to end the relationship. How can someone just walk away from perfection?, I would reason.
HOWEVER, I have come to realize over the past few days, that sometimes the problem isn’t me! Actually, in all 4 of those cases the problem had zero to do with me! The problem, in fact, was with them! The problem could actually be narrowed down to a single common denominator.
One unanimous overriding theme that I have mentioned time and time again.
That being, a severe lack of the will to stand up and fight for yourself, for us and for your own happiness.
It had nothing to do with me and had everything to do with them.
Each one of them faced a test over the span of the relationship. The level of difficulty in each case varied however, they all failed. Not one of them was able to man up and rise to the challenge. Instead, every single one of them buried their heads in the sand and turned their backs on the relationship.
Oh, things are getting difficult…time to bail!
Fine. Very well. If that’s how they are, then it’s better that I know now instead of ten years down the line when we are married and encounter difficult or trying times. I don’t want a man who can’t be there for me through the hard times! What use is that? What kind of partner just turns their back on you at that critical moment when you need them the most?
The bigger question is…
How could I have allowed this to happen to me 4 times? Granted, each time was different, I was different, the circumstances were different. But at the end of the day the result was the same. It’s a wonder I don’t have severe abandonment issues.
I guess each time I hoped things would turn out differently. I hoped that he would be “the one” who would stick by me through it all, no matter what, unconditionally, forever. That little glimmer of hope is what leads me to open up to the next guy and the one after that.
I’ve often preached that one should never have expectations for they only lead to disappointment. If you keep your expectations low, you’re in the clear because not only do you avoid getting hurt, but you leave room to be pleasantly surprised.
Apparently I am a hypocrite though, because despite what I preach, that tiny spark of hope constantly gets me into the same predicament.
I haven’t seen The Hunger Games yet, however, I have read all the books. Highly recommended by the way. Anyway, while watching Good Morning America the other day, they showed this clip which fits in very appropriately with how I am feeling.
The overall message is to contain that spark of hope; don’t let it turn into a blazing fire. In the Hunger Games, it is the high class “Capitol” that does not want the lower class “districts” to overthrow them.
Why are they fearful of this?
Well, it is because hope can be a very powerful thing when wielded in the right hands. It can allow you to believe you can accomplish things, to ignite change.
My favorite line in that clip is when Donald Sutherland says “hope…it is the only thing stronger than fear.”
So, I will continue to hope. I will be different than the men of my past who were fearful and allowed me walk out of their lives.
Yes, I will hope. It is a far better alternative to living in fear.