Ring the Alarm

Cue the ear-piercing high pitched siren blaring in the background…

What is it saying?

wooooooooooooooooooo She’s single wooooooooooooooooooooooooo

woooooooooooooooo all systems go woooooooooooooooooooooooooo

woooooooooooooooo man the battle stations woooooooooooooooooooo

wooooooooooooooooooo attack! attack! attack! wooooooooooooooooooooo

Well ladies and gents…it seems that the pigeons are flocking yet again… the exes slowly crawling out of the woodwork and making their presence known.

It’s really not a normal thing. I’m still dumbfounded by the happenings over the past few days. Each one punctuated by the appearance (both physical and technological) of someone from my past.

The sound of a broken heart, like a siren, apparently a sound only dogs men can hear. It’s beyond all logic and reason.

HOW DO THEY KNOW!?

It doesn’t make any sense! Is there some kind of secret society? Does a secret code go out to the members of the male clan the moment I am single yet again? Do they have some kind of radar for feminine availability? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS MY LIFE????????

I’m calm, I promise. I just want a time out from life for a little. Just a small case of retrograde amnesia or a brief vacation where I can get away from all of this craziness.

Imagine yourself in my shoes for just a moment if you will…

You’ve just had your heart crushed into a trillion pieces, and then, if that wasn’t enough, you have to run into him AND every other person who has ever broken your heart in the past… ALL IN THE SPAN OF 5 days.

5 days, 4 men/guys/men-children.

It’s times like these where I imagine the big guy upstairs kicking back and enjoying the show from up above. Thinking to himself what else can we throw at her? How much more can she handle?

Apparently a lot because I’m still functioning somehow.

In the midst of all of this, I began thinking to myself… Perhaps the reason for all of this is because the universe wants me to think long and hard about the similarities and/or differences between each one of those relationships.

What worked? What didn’t? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t it work?

A time to reflect for a moment, as much as I hate to live in the past, I simply could not ignore such an obvious plea to revisit the past and ponder those experiences.

I don’t know about you, but after a break up sometimes I go into the mood where I blame myself for the relationship failing. Somehow it had to have been something I had done or didn’t do that caused him to leave. What other explanation could there be? In my head, maybe if I had been the “perfect” girlfriend, then there would be no need to end the relationship. How can someone just walk away from perfection?, I would reason.

HOWEVER, I have come to realize over the past few days, that sometimes the problem isn’t me! Actually, in all 4 of those cases the problem had zero to do with me! The problem, in fact, was with them! The problem could actually be narrowed down to a single common denominator.

One unanimous overriding theme that I have mentioned time and time again.

That being, a severe lack of the will to stand up and fight for yourself, for us and for your own happiness.

It had nothing to do with me and had everything to do with them.

Each one of them faced a test over the span of the relationship. The level of difficulty in each case varied however, they all failed. Not one of them was able to man up and rise to the challenge. Instead, every single one of them buried their heads in the sand and turned their backs on the relationship.

Oh, things are getting difficult…time to bail!

Fine. Very well. If that’s how they are, then it’s better that I know now instead of ten years down the line when we are married and encounter difficult or trying times. I don’t want a man who can’t be there for me through the hard times! What use is that? What kind of partner just turns their back on you at that critical moment when you need them the most?

The bigger question is…

How could I have allowed this to happen to me 4 times? Granted, each time was different, I was different, the circumstances were different. But at the end of the day the result was the same. It’s a wonder I don’t have severe abandonment issues.

I guess each time I hoped things would turn out differently. I hoped that he would be “the one” who would stick by me through it all, no matter what, unconditionally, forever. That little glimmer of hope is what leads me to open up to the next guy and the one after that.

I’ve often preached that one should never have expectations for they only lead to disappointment. If you keep your expectations low, you’re in the clear because not only do you avoid getting hurt, but you leave room to be pleasantly surprised.

Apparently I am a hypocrite though, because despite what I preach, that tiny spark of hope constantly gets me into the same predicament.

I haven’t seen The Hunger Games yet, however, I have read all the books. Highly recommended by the way. Anyway, while watching Good Morning America the other day, they showed this clip which fits in very appropriately with how I am feeling.

The overall message is to contain that spark of hope; don’t let it turn into a blazing fire. In the Hunger Games, it is the high class “Capitol” that does not want the lower class “districts” to overthrow them.

Why are they fearful of this?

Well, it is because hope can be a very powerful thing when wielded in the right hands. It can allow you to believe you can accomplish things, to ignite change.

My favorite line in that clip is when Donald Sutherland says “hope…it is the only thing stronger than fear.”

So, I will continue to hope. I will be different than the men of my past who were fearful and allowed me walk out of their lives.

Yes, I will hope. It is a far better alternative to living in fear.

Deadlines…

Sometimes it’s the things people say that shock and appall me beyond words. Call it what you will: word vomit, no filter, verbal diarrhea… The bottom line is, many people fail to think before they speak and the result is usually a comment that is deserving of a swift slap across the face… a dead line if you will.

To whom am I referring?

Our dear friend, The Octopus. Ahh yes… you would think he would have given up by now. Alas, he will not rest until he has caught his prey. Despite rejecting him at least 2 times, he insisted on coming back for more.

The setting was at a bar for a friend’s bachelorette party. Ideal hunting grounds for an octopus and his roaming tentacles. He’s a smart predator, leering at inebriated single girls on a night where they are sure to be feeling insecure about themselves. His plan was set into motion the moment he caught my eye across the bar and walked over to say hello.

I was sitting at a nearby table and he plopped down right next to me and immediately placed his hand on my leg.

Oh….HELLO there indeed!

I instinctively crossed my legs and removed his hand. That’s just a bit too forward for me!

True to his slimey nature, The Octopus then dropped this gem:

Octopus: So… I just thought you should know that we are very overdue for hooking up.

If you will, imagine the deadpan stare on my face while I attempted to process the obnoxiousness that just sprang forth from his face hole. Is that a normal thing to say to someone? Has that line ever worked for him in the past? WHAT THE *!#@! Who speaks like that?

Me: Oh… I didn’t realize there was a timeframe for such things… (dripping with sarcasm)

Octopus: Well there is, and you’re cutting it very close- I have a one year deadline. I think its best we remedy that.

Me: Ummm…so… if it wasn’t already obvious, I’m REALLY not like that. (Not sure if that was obvious from the other times I rejected you but I will never hook up with you dude- SERIOUSLY!)

Octopus: I’m really disappointed….

Me: I’m sure you’ll get over it.

Or ever !

To sum:

It really disturbs me how some guys have no idea how to speak to a woman. I’m not being unreasonable or asking for poems and sonnets but a little respect won’t kill you. Despite the fact that technology has robbed the world of romance, at least when you’re face to face with someone they should be able to woo you with words to some extent. The Octopus has failed miserably yet again. Strike 3, he’s out.

Analogies

It was during my date with Mr. Wit, that a very interesting conversation transpired. It all started out relatively normal, with me blabbing on and on about school and my masters degree as if anyone really cares (I really should let the guys get a word in edgewise). I mean yea my program is really awesome and I’m learning all this fascinating and interesting information about the body and it’s really so amazing. Its beyond most people’s realm of comprehension really…oh shoot , there I go again! Anyway, after I pretty much talked his ear off, we started talking about TV shows that we watch.

Sidebar: In the past, I’ve often found myself saying I was a fan of a show the guy watched even if I had only seen like 3 episodes. No idea why I did this because it really made for an awkward few moments when he goes into the whole “oh remember when bla bla bla happened” and then I am subsequently forced to phase into the “smile and nod” mode. Anyway, I don’t do that anymore because in actuality I HATE southpark and family guy and basically any adult cartoons (newslflash guys: GROW UP!). So no, I will not pretend to like them.

Mr. Wit started to remark on how there are so many vampire shows on TV lately and how he doesn’t understand why all women are obsessed with vampires. Being that this is a topic that I am fairly proficient in, I attempted to explain it all in layman’s terms. It went a little something like this:

The reason that girls like the whole vampire topic is because each and every plot line stars a smitten vampire who lead a troubled life as a vagabond for the past 200 years and then miraculously turns almost saintlike, all for his beloved (usually portrayed as a very “girl next door” type of ordinary). What woman wouldn’t want a guy with a dark past who suddenly sees the light (vampire pun intended) all because of her? Yes, she was the one who saved him and whatever was left of his vampy soul.

Needless to say, Mr. Wit looked at me like I had sprouted fangs and demanded his blood as dipping sauce for my fries. He simply couldn’t grasp the significance of what the vampire represents in the female psyche.

I tried again with an analogy:

Bad boys: girls :: vampires: females

(For those of you who failed the analogy section of the SAT, this may be a little over your heads and for that I apologize.)

It is well known that girls are typically drawn to the “bad boy” persona.

Why you might ask?

Well it is because a woman’s secret fetish is getting that bad boy to change FOR HER. She wants to be the girl he opens up to, the girl he falls for, the one who is able to break down that bad boy exterior of his to reveal the love-deprived boy inside crying for a hug.

It is the same thing with this vampire obsession! This leather jacket wearing, blood sucking monster finds a woman and is mesmerized by her to the point where he transforms into this completely changed romantic, chivalrous, sweet man. ITS ALL FOR HER.

We women are all attention whores deep down inside. Let’s be real here,  what woman wouldn’t feel empowered and flattered by a man who is willing to sacrifice his previous lifestyle choices for her?

It was then that Mr. Wit, to some extent, understood my point. After discussing how even though the “bad boy turned good” is not really realistic due to the fact that men never change unless it comes from within themselves, he threw me another solid inquiry.

Mr. Wit: So let me understand… What you are saying is that the only reason girls like the bad boy is because she wants him to become good for HER right?

Me: Yep… pretty much.

Mr. Wit: So then why don’t they just go for the guy who is ALREADY good????

Me: Hahaha… you know nothing about women.

Mr. Wit: (confused look on his face)

Me: Where is the challenge in that ???

To sum:

Men are from Mars women are from Venus. It’s no use for a Venutian such as myself, to try and use broken Martian in order to explain the intricacies of our kind. Its a moot point.

The women out there know what I’m talking about right? If not, I suggest you get out from underneath that rock you’ve been living under and watch : Vampire Diaries, True Blood or any of the Twilight movies for proof.

Guys, watch those shows and learn some tips on how to be dark, brooding and chivalrous.

Qualifications

It was at the recent and incessant urging, pronounced nudging [nuh 'jing], of my mother that I made the four block trek to visit with a community renowned matchmaker. Despite the weeks I spent mentally preparing myself for this unavoidably awkward encounter, it was still not even remotely enough to help me deal with what can only be described as a parade of eeek/yeeeshhh/did you really say that?/tug on you collar kind of awkward moments…

As if the idea of meeting with a complete stranger isn’t uncomfortable enough, why not meet with this complete stranger who’s speciality in life, who’s PROFESSION, is to set people up on dates with complete strangers?

Ah… the infamous irony does not escape me.

Sign me up!

Anyway, after speaking to this woman on the phone alone, I knew I was in for something potentially blog worthy. Feel free to thank me later.

At long last we set up a time to meet at her house. The instant she answered the door, The Matchmaker shrieked in a high pitched voice that I was pretty sure only dogs could hear..

The Matchmaker : “OH my GAWDDDD you are stunning!!!”

Which she then followed up with “I don’t understand HOW you are still single!”

As you may recall, I don’t exactly do well with compliments. The latter statement kind of nullified the former compliment, so I guess it was an acceptable way to compliment a person (me) who usually leaves the self deprecating responses to herself. This type of backhanded remark she gave delivered was an interesting, and slightly offensive, compliment that The Matchmaker probably gave in order to provide the situation with some much needed comic relief.

Or at least thats what I told myself in order to:

a) Make myself feel better

b) Give this woman the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t ACTUALLY that dense to make that kind of comment

c) The answer is really B

We spoke for a few minutes about what I was up to in life, how I am pursuing my masters degree, and what I was looking for in a man. It was then that she dropped yet another genius comment out of her face hole.

The Matchmaker: Oh wow!!! Well…ummm… I don’t know what to tell you. You are overqualified.

Oh…

I didn’t realize that one could be overqualified for a husband.

My bad.

This is awkward…. I guess I’ll be leaving now…

SERIOUSLY?!!?! As if I wasn’t already convinced of the fact that there is an ever dwindling pool of men out there to begin with (I won’t even limit it to normal men because that is down to about the size of a teardrop of a crying ant).

So essentially this woman is telling me that in addition to the fact that the ratio of normal guys to girls is .00000000034: 1, ASIDE from and in addition to that, apparently I am also overqualified.

What the heck is this? A job? What does that even mean!? Overqualified???

I mean I knew that being in a relationship/getting married would be hard work (pun intended) but I didn’t think they meant in the literal sense.

As I held back my fit of giggles/rage I kept thinking about what she meant by overqualified. I thought of myself as some kind of sad law school graduate who applies for a job at a fast food restaurant because there aren’t any other available means of employment? Does she expect me to settle?

Before I had time to contemplate the methods to her madness, The Matchmaker explained that I am too pretty, too tall and too smart and that unfortunately all of the men she knew were either

a) Short and educated

OR

b) Tall and dumb

Ohh my! How can I possibly decide between two such tempting choices!?

The look on my face spoke volumes. It was a mixture of hatred and frustration combined with a blatant stare that conveyed the message that I was would sooner shoot myself in the foot rather than listen to one more minute of her mindless prattle.

Essentially The Matchmaker suggested that I either dumb myself down OR shrink down a few inches (preferably both in order to further increase my potentials). She even remarked that I should probably be prepared to throw out my high heels because my height is a deterrent to those unfortunate vertically challenged individuals.

Yes it is...

She then sat in front of me and proceeded to scroll through her Blackberry for someone… ANYONE to date this poor overqualified singleton. She would sigh to herself as she scrolled away saying “Nope, too short, uneducated, short, short…etc.” Every few moments she would throw out a name of a guy who she thought would qualify…

And ironically, it just so happened that I dated ALL of the ones she suggested (I hang my head in shame):

The Count…..check (please!!!!!)

Mr. Know it all…check (please!!!!!!!)

Lovely. What do they do? Recycle the same guys over and over again? The only thing those 2 had in common was that they were tall (ish). I mean it does give them a big advantage in my book because one of my biggest “tall girl problems” is….

But once they opened their mouths it was all extremely steeply downhill.

Finally The Matchmaker managed to pull a name that I didn’t know out of her hat. “AHA! He is so nice! I met him one time at Starbucks and he really was very nice. I don’t know anything about his family though and I also don’t know any girls who have dated him. So, I’m not sure if he will take you to a nice fancy restaurant or just for coffee.”

Oh… because thats what’s important. Fancy dinners.

I wanted to explode at her for being so presumptuous and assuming that I was that materialistic and for trying to stick me with some guy who she knows nothing about. You’re a matchmaker- do some research before setting me up with a potential axe murderer. K thanks!

That whole afternoon was a disaster. Aside from dispelling any hope that I had of getting set up with someone remotely next to normal. It just showed how UNDERQUALIFIED she was to be setting me up.

To sum:

I think it is completely unfair that guys have such a broad selection of attractive, smart and kind people while we have to sift through the scraps of vertically and intellectually challenged men/men-children. I, for one, refuse to settle and exasperatingly demand an answer to my age old inquiry…

WHERE ARE THE NORMALTONS HIDING????????????????????????????

Curb it…

When asked why he was not dating anybody, a wise man once answered “a date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”

Watching that episode was hilarious enough to begin with, but once Larry let loose with that comment I immediately burst out laughing. How much more relateable can the show get? It was eerily accurate to the point where when I rewatched the episode later that week I exclaimed- THIS is what I’m talking about! THIS is my dating life in a nutshell!

As you well know, most of my dates start and end with the promise of an ensuing/traumatic blog post and is usually successful in achieving that. For that reason alone its always worth it for me to give it a shot with any guy (oh…and also the possibility of finding “The One”- can’t forget that).

However, oftentimes when I am on the date I find myself zoning out, perhaps wishing I was home in my jammies watching Leno or feeling nostalgic with Nick at Night instead of out trying to get to know a complete stranger in the vain hope of making him my husband.

To sum:

Next time that my mother’s friend’s sister’s aunt wants to set me up, I just might use Larry David’s reply to get out of it. Although, that may result in much fewer blog posts….

Decisions decisions…..

You have one new voice message

Before I even begin, allow me to provide some back story.

I was supposed to go out with this guy a month ago. He called me, I was out with friends so I told him I couldn’t talk, then I never heard from him. I figured he was arrogant and didn’t like that I decided to go out with my friends instead of endure an awkward 15 minute “first phone call” conversation. Anyway, a month later he emails me some lame excuse that he lost his phone and would like to get together when it’s convenient for HIM in two weeks. HA!

I know that I always tell people I need to be booked in advance but come on! I don’t know what I’m going to be up to 2 weeks from now! Thats insane.

Anyway, he calls me on Friday 10 minutes before I am about to shut my phone off for my weekend  away with friends and leaves a voicemail.

First of all, who leaves voicemails?

Second of all, in the voicemail he proceeds to have a mini conversation with himself.

Normally, a voicemail consists of “hey its blah blah call me back when you get a chance”. However, in this case, it lasted a good 45 seconds.

He asked me how I was doing, how school was, apologizing for calling so late, and then………wait for it……….. asks me on a date for the next day IN the voicemail

REALLY?

I don’t like that he assumed that I had nothing better to do. Even though I happened to be free, it bothered me that he thought I wouldn’t be doing anything then. I contemplated what my plans were for that day and came to realization that if I agreed to go out with him, not only would I have a ride back to my home city BUT I would also avoid having to take public transportation with all of my bags from the weekend.

The decision was simple- I would endure a few hours out with this guy, then me and my luggage would be chauffeured back home. So worth it!

I debated just texting him back saying “ye” but settled on “sunday works”. I get this reply:

Him: And I thought my weekend couldn’t get any better (mind you, I still have not met him or had a phone conversation with him but apparently I just made his weekend- SURE)
Me: Haha, I’m going to be in the city though is that ok?
Him: Where are you sleeping? Not that I’m inviting but are you going back home after?

Ok…

OK….

Here’s the thing. Suggestive comments are cute and funny and flirtatious when you know the person. Otherwise it is just really creepy and weird.  I immediately regretted my decision to go out with him but then remembered that it was worth it just so I wouldn’t have to bring all of my bags back home on the train. Eye on the prize!

The things I do to avoid the train ….

To sum:

Guys, DO NOT ask a girl out via voicemail. If you are fortunate enough to get a girl’s number…call her within a normal amount if time after receiving it and don’t ask for a date 2 weeks in advance. Otherwise…this is what her thought process will be: