Deadlines…

Sometimes it’s the things people say that shock and appall me beyond words. Call it what you will: word vomit, no filter, verbal diarrhea… The bottom line is, many people fail to think before they speak and the result is usually a comment that is deserving of a swift slap across the face… a dead line if you will.

To whom am I referring?

Our dear friend, The Octopus. Ahh yes… you would think he would have given up by now. Alas, he will not rest until he has caught his prey. Despite rejecting him at least 2 times, he insisted on coming back for more.

The setting was at a bar for a friend’s bachelorette party. Ideal hunting grounds for an octopus and his roaming tentacles. He’s a smart predator, leering at inebriated single girls on a night where they are sure to be feeling insecure about themselves. His plan was set into motion the moment he caught my eye across the bar and walked over to say hello.

I was sitting at a nearby table and he plopped down right next to me and immediately placed his hand on my leg.

Oh….HELLO there indeed!

I instinctively crossed my legs and removed his hand. That’s just a bit too forward for me!

True to his slimey nature, The Octopus then dropped this gem:

Octopus: So… I just thought you should know that we are very overdue for hooking up.

If you will, imagine the deadpan stare on my face while I attempted to process the obnoxiousness that just sprang forth from his face hole. Is that a normal thing to say to someone? Has that line ever worked for him in the past? WHAT THE *!#@! Who speaks like that?

Me: Oh… I didn’t realize there was a timeframe for such things… (dripping with sarcasm)

Octopus: Well there is, and you’re cutting it very close- I have a one year deadline. I think its best we remedy that.

Me: Ummm…so… if it wasn’t already obvious, I’m REALLY not like that. (Not sure if that was obvious from the other times I rejected you but I will never hook up with you dude- SERIOUSLY!)

Octopus: I’m really disappointed….

Me: I’m sure you’ll get over it.

Or ever !

To sum:

It really disturbs me how some guys have no idea how to speak to a woman. I’m not being unreasonable or asking for poems and sonnets but a little respect won’t kill you. Despite the fact that technology has robbed the world of romance, at least when you’re face to face with someone they should be able to woo you with words to some extent. The Octopus has failed miserably yet again. Strike 3, he’s out.

We meet again…

The scene: A local dive bar after a spur of the moment decision to meet up for my best friend’s birthday

The key characters: Me, The Shoe Whore, The Octopus, The Bartender

Just when you thought it was safe to get back into the water/dating pool… (cue the Jaws theme- duh duh…duh duh…). The Octopus strikes again!

It was just your average Thursday night bar scene. Lots of fun and interesting people (i.e. The Shoe Whore, me, Miss Anxiety). We chatted about the hurricane and how everyone seems to be overreacting just a tad. Miss Anxiety, true to her nature, was a bit more concerned than The Shoe Whore and I who laughed at the incessant worries from our posse’s email chain .

It was all good fun and I found myself in an extremely good mood as I sipped my drink, caught up with friends I haven’t seen and met a few new people in the process. One of which happened to be The Bartender who motioned towards me and then attempted to pour a shot of tequila from the bottle into my mouth. Although tequila does happen to be my poison of choice… I have class. Also, I don’t drink nasty Jose Cuervo so I requested a different kind and in a shot glass if you please. And after being accused of racism for requesting white tequila, I was rewarded with shots for my friends as well! Ahhh the perks of being a girl.

Suddenly, across the room I spot a familiar face. He draws near, and we chat for a grand total of 18 seconds before he offers to buy me a drink. Now, if I didn’t know him better I would think he was simply being polite. I mean we ARE at a bar and thats what people do at bars. Alas, this is his signature move. I have seen this move before and it is a very sneaky attempt to liquor me up so that I won’t notice his roaming hands/tentacles later on…. IT IS THE OCTOPUS YET AGAIN!

I exchange a knowing glance with The Shoe Whore as we make our way to the bar, but she can’t place his face or where she recognizes him from . This is problematic in the event that I need saving from his vise like grip. Thankfully, a few months worth of experience has educated me in how to escape these kinds of encounters. As if on cue I spotted my friend and former roommate, The Tease, enter the bar and excused myself to go catch up with her.

Since The Octopus and The Tease are friends, he used this as an excuse to join the conversation and simultaneously put his arm around me, rub my back, pretty much initiate contact with me in any possible way. I don’t appreciate those types of possessive touches because it gives off the signal that I am “with” this guy which I most definitely was not.  I tried to wedge some space between us but he was not having that. His goal was set: snag and bag.

Sadly, his plans were to be foiled. There would be none of that I thought to myself as I walked off to the bathroom with the Shoe Whore (insert joke here about how girls always go to the bathroom in pairs, well now you know its to protect yourself from weirdos trying to approach you on your way in/out of the bathroom).

I thought I was rid of The Octopus after that, alas, wrong again. I felt a hug from behind which is always awkward unless it’s with your boyfriend. And yet again I am ensnared by a tentacle as he attempts to dance with me.

Mercifully my ride home came to the rescue and whisked me away from the inky bastard.

Until we meet again…

To sum:

My body is like a museum…beautiful, cultural and sometimes cold…look but DO NOT touch.