Memo to the Marrieds…

DISCLAIMER: Allow me to preface this by saying that the contents of this memo are not meant to offend my precious posse of married friends. Rather, it’s purpose (as usual) is to entertain. Now that I have covered my bases, let’s get into the heart of a topic…a characteristic which I find many marrieds possess.

In my honest opinion, I find that all marrieds have one major thing in common…

Aside from the ring and the hubby, they all have one unanimous drive. One fierce desire. One extreme need for……..

their single friends to be married.

They simply want us singletons to be as happy as they are! And what’s wrong with that?! It’s the purest form of love and admiration towards your friends to wish for their everlasting happiness! It really is very sweet and selfless!

HOWEVER…

(come on… you all knew that was coming…)

I have found that unfortunately, these good intensions…these heartfelt desires, tend to be somewhat wayward in nature.

I’ll give you an example or 3:

Example #1

Yesterday, I paid a visit to my married bestie The Chocoholic. Upon entering her home, I noticed her husband had 2 friends over. After a few minutes of introductions and chit chat, The Chocoholic and I retired to the kitchen to make some tea. Once we were safely out of earshot, she turned to me in a whisper and said.

Her: So, those guys…

Me: Yea?

Her: They are looking to get married… you wanna marry one of them?

(I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in…)

Not, oh would you want to talk to them for more than 3 minutes/ hang out with them some time?

OR

Would you want me to find out more about them (or ONE in particular because polygamy is not really an option nowadays)?

OR

Would you maybe go on a date with one of them in the near or distant future?

Nope…

Do I want to marry one of them?

Do I want to spend all of eternity with one of these men who I literally just met? (Does it even really matter which one? They are men and they want to get married! A rare combination which should make me giddy with glee!)

SURE!!!!!!!!

Well, based on the 3 minute interaction I had with them in which I learned pretty much zero about their personality and life plans (or who was who- I’m pretty bad with names). I mean, I guess thats more than enough time to make a life altering decision… No?

Not to mention the fact that we weren’t even taking their opinions on the matter into consideration. They might find me as repugnant as a behemoth but lets go ahead and plan my future with them anyway. (Hey, its a feminist world out there, we can make these decisions now! I’m sure women get down on one knee and pop the question all the time.)

Thankfully, Professor BH knocked on the door and I was saved from having to make any kind of ever lasting commitment to one of these very eligible bachelors…

Around 15 minutes after Professor BH was formally introduced to the bachelors, they took their leave and headed home. The door had just barely closed when The Chocoholic launched her attack on Professor BH.

Perhaps she would be more inclined to accept the phantom marriage proposal?

Sidebar: Professor BH and I have VERY different personalities and want completely different things when it comes to guys, but whatever, apparently the bachelors would somehow magically be good for both of us! It was just a matter of which one to choose…

So, Professor BH and I decided that while we probably shouldn’t make any kind of rash decisions upon just meeting these bachelors (who are brothers by the way), we would be inclined to go on a double date with them for the following reasons:

a) Blog material

b) They might be our soul mates

c) Blog material

d) A and C are correct

Example #2

While on vacation with The Chocoholic + Hubby, Miss Anxiety, Professor BH and The Shoe Whore, a similar occurrence transpired.

My good natured bestie pulled me aside and very indiscreetly pointed toward her husband and the man he was talking to. Let’s call him The Rebel.

Her: Thats my husband’s friend. He’s cute no?

Me: Umm I can’t really tell from here

Her: Go talk to him!

Oh sure!!!!!!!

Let me just randomly walk over there and chat it up with this rando out of nowhere! Awesome! I’ll get right on that!

It was only a few days later that we discovered The Rebel was actually a crazy drug addicted party animal who freely spoke about his fetish for banging divorcees after showing us many pictures of his unclad, hairy rear end.

Needless to say, we would not live happily ever after…ever.

Example #3

Back in high school, my now married friend, Mrs. Fairytale, was friendly with a guy who had a VERY unfortunate last name. Let’s just say that if we ever got married, he would be taking my last name.

Last week I discovered that I would be at the same event as the unfortunate last named man and texted Mrs. Fairytale to tell her the ironic news.

Her reply: ha that is way too funny. BTW he’s a nice guy and tall…

Mrs.Fairytale knows what I value, nearly sold me on the height alone …

Still know nothing else about him but the implication is there…

Marry him.

To the marrieds, the guy is irrelevant! He can be a bum on the street for all they know. He can be an axe murderer, or even worse, a lawyer! Yet the marrieds are blind to the magnanimous flaws of these potential husbands.

I’m convinced it’s all a conspiracy theory! Or, a generous attempt at scoring me some more blog material (thanks girls!)

To sum:

Now that you have all gotten the memo, I would like to conclude with the following. I love ALL my marrieds and I appreciate your innate desire that I should find a man who will make me happy. However, if you want to be involved in setting me up, I would appreciate SOME leg work (pun intended, he must be tall).

Questions, I’ve got some questions…

There comes a time (or 12) in every girl’s life when she feels a little down on her luck. It is then that reinforcements are recruited in the form of what is known as a “pity party” or in my/The Shoe Whore’s words… a “betch sessh.”

Betch Sessh: noun ['bech sesh]

1. A gathering of betches where the topic of discussion is of a general betchy, and sometimes self pitying, nature. Usually accompanied by the intake of extremely high calorie food.

Last night was no exception. As the Shoe Whore and I downed mass quantities of oily food derivatives in a highly attractive manner, we betched about …drumroll please… guys.

Well obviously!

With the summers end comes introspection and reflection. Did we accomplish what we set out to do? Did we meet any normal guys??

After conducting extensive interviews among my inner circle of friends, to the latter came a unanimous “NO”. So now comes the most predictable of questions…

Where are all of the Normaltons hiding?

Thorough research has yielded the following results regarding this age old question:

According to The Hopeless Romantic, an expert in the field of all things cheesy, the reasoning behind the disappearance if the Normaltons is due to a process called “molding”. Starting at a very young age, boys are taught to fear strong and intelligent women in order to protect their masculine pride and ego. Because of this, many men seek girlfriends and wives that are significantly younger than them in an attempt to “mold” them into what they want. Thus leaving the strong, intelligent and independent women in the dark. “God forbid these men should have to deal with real women! The horror! (insert BBM covering the eyes face).”

Professor B.H concurred with The Hopeless Romantic and has even coined her own theory on the matter. “The Fresh Hot Pizza Theory is very applicable to the current times. Nowadays, nobody who enters a pizzeria wants the older colder pizza slices that have been sitting out. Instead, they wait for the nice hot fresh slices to come out of the oven.” In her thesis entitled “Relationships and Pizza”, Professor BH discusses the similarities between the two seemingly unrelated topics.

At a recent panel discussion, she posed the following question to a riveted audience “Why would a man want an older woman, when if they simply wait a bit longer, they can have a fresh young one?” Unfortunately the only downside to hot pizza is the possibility of burning the roof of your mouth. Otherwise, there were not many upsides to cold pizza.

In a world where even bad pizza is still pretty good, I find myself wondering…what’s a cold pizza to do?

Join a dating site? Even Big Blue Eyes claimed she “isn’t THAT desperate.”

In a moment of exasperation, The Hopeless Romantic exclaimed that she “Hasn’t had a date since February, with the exception of Matthew Mconaughey.” As an avid watcher of romantic comedies, this surprised no one. Women all over New York are throwing up their arms in defeat. Even the Shoe Whore was frustrated enough to comment  saying that finding a guy is just too hard! “Honestly, just give me an arranged marriage! Or better yet, I’ll visit a sperm bank and be done with it.”

As a New Yorker with standards I heartily agree with all of these women. I even admit to eyeing couples around NYC and am comforted when I see an unattractive woman with a wedding ring. As ridiculous as that may sound, I find myself secretly excited thinking well, if she can find someone, there is still hope!

I don’t even need to leave my house to find that out though. All I have to do is check my newsfeed on Facebook to see who is newly married or engaged. The best part is how the nerdiest girls and the most awkward guys in high school proudly display their coupley profile pictures; the epitome of wedded bliss.

The Hopeless Romantic, in a completely unromantic and surprisingly betchy manner, simply could not take it anymore. “It really isn’t fair.” After a recent betch sessh, she said the following about the marriage of a very big nerd from our graduating class “she is having sex, and I’m sitting here with a tub of ice cream, as if my ass really needed it.”

 To sum:

There is still more research that must be done on this topic. With more and more women going on to graduate school and pursuing careers, men will just need to understand that this is not a threat to their egos/masculinity and act accordingly. Cold pizzas UNITE!!!!