The Man- Child

5 Nov

When I was young and naive, I was willing to go out with just about anyone who asked me. I have since grown, not only in height, but in standards as well. Way back to about 2 years ago, a man’s education didn’t seem so important to me. That was until I met a man / man-child who will be from henceforth known as The Man-Child.

Apparently The Man-Child or TMC spotted me from across the room at a wedding/engagement party/charity event/insert socializing for singles venue here. He was postively smitten- as well he should be and inquired around as to who this statuesque vixen could be. Turns out it was me 🙂 .

Fast forward to a few days later….My childhood friend approaches me at a wedding/engagement party/charity event/insert socializing for singles venue here and says

“Hey…. I have a question”

Instinctively I sense my defenses go up because, as a single girl, that kind of “question” always spawns the SAME follow up.

“So there’s this guy….He saw you at the wedding/engagement party/charity event/insert socializing for singles venue here and thought you were cute. Can I give him your number.”

Now, keep in mind that I was still young/naive about dating so I asked minimal questions. I actually think I asked exactly ONE question and it was probably about how tall he was.

I digress.

So, she gives TMC my number and surprise surprise the next day at school I get a text message from the mystery man himself. It takes a man with LOTS of confidence to text a girl he has never spoken to. NOT. Let me tell you something, GUYS, being assertive in the REAL world is much sexier.

Anyway the point of the story is that we literally had our first date via text message.
TMC: so what do you like to eat
Me: sushi and pizza
TMC: oh yum . wats your favorite movie
Me: when harry met sally
TMC: never heard of it (REALLY????) whats your favorite color

you get the idea

Finally TMC gets to the point and we set up a time to hang out. He picks me up and is wearing vans sneakers with skulls all over them. Now don’t get me wrong- I thought skulls were extremely cool IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! and these were definitely not the cool ones I used to don , these were cheesy Ed Hardy guido style disgustingness. But , considering that I am not a shallow person I let it slide.

We went for ice cream and a moonlit walk on the boardwalk- ahh romance. Until he proceeded to take out his phone and start bbm-ing people. I nonchalantly looked over his shoulder and saw that TMC’s display name was some combination of his name and fecal matter.

Is this my life? Seriously?

Yes, Yes it is. You are going out with a man who refers to himself in relation to feces.

After that everything pretty much went downhill because I had lost all respect for TMC. It couldn’t possibly get worse… but it did. Soon after we began walking by the boardwalk he whips out his phone yet again. This time TMC showed me a list in his phone which consisted of all the things he learned about me on our first date (via text message)

likes sushi
fave color purple
likes dogs
fave movie when harry met sally
uses big words

I would have preferred if he had written “has an extensive vocabulary” but that was clearly out of TMC’s league.

To conclude:

Guys:  BE MEN and don’t have a first date via technology. It is lame and douchey
Girls: Have standards

9 Responses to “The Man- Child”

  1. your worst November 5, 2010 at 3:44 pm #

    Dear Check Pleasee!!!I do not understand where your prejudice against men/men children comes from. As a man/man-child myself i feel that it is important for me to defend my fellow men/men-children. For starters let me state this single fact. Fecal matter is by definition hilarious. Let us all recall the wise Chandler Bing who began laughing hysterically when asked when at a job interview was asked "what his do do's were." yes, i make a valid point. second of all in order to dissuade you from your pointless prejudice i insist on taking you out on a date. One that will involve us eating lots of pizza and sushi. in fact, perhaps we will eat sushi-pizza. a combination that i am sure will make you sequel with delight. of course, it will have to be a day date, as i have a 9pm curfew and you will have to cut up my pizza-sushi into little bite sized pieces for me. I also HATE crusts so please cut it off for me as well. As it has come to my attention via our text exchange that you like Benny's over Pizza Time i think it is only appropriate that you pick me up (i'd pick you up but i dont have a car) and take me there (i will be the guy dressed as a skull). Feel free to order whatever you would like on the menu, as i now make a whopping $5.00 a week in allowance. Love Always and Forever, mrworstnightmarep.s. would you like to be my SAT tutor? for some reason i just cant get that verbal section down…

  2. umcheckplease November 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm #

    Dear My Worst Nightmare,Obviously your display name rings true (just as TMC's fecal matter display name did) for you truly are my worst nightmare come to life. Not only are you a Man Child, but you also expect me to act as your pseudo mother. Oedipus complex? It is clear from your grammar, sentence structure and lack of money (and your request for an SAT tutor) that you are under the legal age of consent. I am not into under age men and I am DEFINITELY not into jail time. So no, we will not be going on a date unless its to Chucky Cheeses "where a kid can be a kid" and I happen to be babysitting you………..Check pleaseeeeeeeeeeP.S. Unless we are going to McDonalds I don't see how I can order anything with your measly $5.00. Ans since the dollar menu there does not include pizza or sushi you are fresh out of luck in that department.Better luck next time

  3. halpwr November 17, 2010 at 8:45 pm #

    Dear Check Pleaseee,I have to hand it to Mr. TMC. He's found a revolutionary way to keep track of his women!Being a Man-Child myself (I prefer the terms "Player," "Baller," or "The Man"), I have many women at my disposal, with many likes and interests. How the f*** am I supposed to remember that Woman A likes dogs, that woman B likes candy corn, or that Woman C is a D cup?Short answer is, like you've said, we have tiny brains, which are >95% full of sex. I have to hand it to TMC, writing things down in his BlackBerry is a revolutionary idea! Thank you TMC!

  4. umcheckplease November 18, 2010 at 4:43 pm #

    Dear halpwr,I am so pleased to see that you have missed the entire point of my post. How like a guy to only have enough blood to run one brain at a time! Actually, if you had been paying attention, TMC's method of data collection was not only lame and douchey but also proves that his memory is lacking. Considering that I would not appreciate dating a guy who has amnesia and severe short term memory loss, you can see why making a list in your phone is an indication of both which renders me dry as a desert. I am sure that you "Baller" status makes you think you have the right to date many dog loving big breasted women but wouldn't you rather have ONE woman with all those lovely qualities? MAYBE if you spent more time looking for that instead of taking stupid advice from a man-child you would have more success with women. That is all.

  5. lawschooldrunk May 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

    Wow, the comments are educating. I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore. CP, the first commenter stated that fecal matter is humorous. I attest that most guys do think that way, unfortunately. I think it's hardwired into male DNA. I counsel countless males to never talk about anything remotely affiliated with bathrooms. They may think it's funny, but I guarantee their dates disagree.Your second commenter curses and once again, some males do not understand that cursing may turn off females (even if the females themselves curse- a bit hypocritical but you have to roll with the way the world works).Seeing how you judge a little from screen names, let me state that I am only drunk on Purim, am not in law school anymore, and too many people recognize this screen name for me to now change it. Finally, in my humble opinion, I'm sure you are not arrogant but you appear arrogant when you write, "He was postively [sic] smitten- as well he should be."

  6. lawschooldrunk May 19, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    I understand. I appreciate sarcasm as long as I know it's being used!

  7. umcheckplease May 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    Haha… I'm not arrogant- thats just my sense of humor/sarcasm coming forth in my writing style…Its meant to entertain, not to put you off


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