Silent but deadly BORING!!!!!!!!!

11 Nov

GUYS… some key advice… If you have nothing to say, please do the world a favor and refrain from dating. Seriously.. DO NOT date. Your existence is pointless and no one wants to hear what you aren’t saying. That being said, let us delve into the male psyche and attempt to decipher the explanation behind their curious behavior.

You see, once again I was young and willing to date pretty much anyone from axe murderers to midgets, so when my mother’s friend’s neighbor’s daughter suggested I go out with Silent but Deadly Boring (SDB)I didn’t hesitate. I mean HOW BAD COULD IT BE?


Bad from JUST the initial phone call. His name was some sort of unhappy medley of carrots and chocolate cake (which on their own are actually quite good but in combination SDB)  It was probably the worst and most awkward conversation that ever came into being.

Mistake #1
Not having anything to say and forcing me to carry the conversation is not only annoying, but just plain rude. YOU called ME so therefore you should have something to say. Prepare a flashcard of topics to discuss for all I care but say SOMETHING! It’s more entertaining to listen to a prank caller’s disturbing heavy breathing than to listen to yourself talk.

Mistake #2
When you actually DO speak. DON’T dig your own grave.

I was being my usual talkative self and made a comment like “haha I’m not weird I promise.”
Him “I’m weird”
Me “Haha well that’s ok. Normal is boring anyway”
Him “well I’m weird and boring”

WOW !!! Way to sell yourself! I cannot wait to meet this guy. I am practically counting down the milliseconds until I can endure a night with him the same way I anticipate an ingrown toenail or a root canal!!!!!

There is no bigger turn off than a guy whom you never met, roasting himself.
Note:If he thinks of himself as weird and boring and is proud of it, something is amiss. I’m sure if I had replied with “I’m ugly and obese” he would have proposed. I guess we’ll never know.

Mistake #3
Talking about obscure topics that in no way relate to one another and are just strange. Examples include but are not limited to :
-The swine flu epidemic
– Intermittent bouts of OCD
– Sentences that begin with “my mom…”

Anyway it was clear from this phone conversation that I would rather kiss a toilet seat than go out with SDB. I hung up from a 1 hour phone call which was really only 6 minutes,  and immediately called my mother’s neice’s friend’s mother’s turtle and told her that under no circumstances is SDB a human. He is clearly an alien and I have standards (which at the time was “don’t date aliens”).

Annoyingly by this point there was nothing I could do because I was being forced into this date. I begged her to suggest a coffee date to him because there was no way in pantyhose that I could possibly sit and converse with this person for more than 10 minutes.

Fast forward to the night of the date. He comes to pick me up and its OBVIOUSLY awkward because he is a mute. Unfortunately not a deaf mute which meant that I had to keep talking. GREAT.

I notice that we are driving in the direction of the city and begin to panic because coffee does not HAVE to be that far away. There is actually a dunkin donuts on my block. I am then informed that we are not going out for coffee, instead we are going all the way into the city for dinner.

After getting lost for a nice awkward 20 minutes we get to the place and we sit down. All of a sudden he jumps up from his seat and announces “I have to go wash my hands..”

Me “ummm ok”
He wasn’t kidding about his OCD and swine flu concerns….

Fine he comes back and we order. He orders Mahi-mahi, the waiter walks away and he turns to me and asks “What is Mahi-Mahi?”
It is obvious that he also suffers from Agnosia .

Also…. WHY would you order something when you have no idea what it is? That is just weird.

Suddenly, as we are munching on bread, he jumps up again and announces “I think there is an oat from the bread stuck in my teeth, I’m going to go check”, and scurries off to the bathroom.

Now I wasn’t going to say anything but that oat was really distracting me. That was only because there was nothing else to focus on due to the crickets. I was tempted to experiment with the heavy awkward silences. I kept thinking to myself, what if I just started saying the most ridiculous things? Would he even react?

What if I had told him that I had a 6th toe, or asked him if he wanted to play the quiet game (I would have had no choice but to let him win). In hindsight I should have just for the sake of my own entertainment.

It came to a point where I literally asked him what he likes to do for fun. WHO actually asks that on a date????
His response “I like to ride my bike”
Me” oh anything else?”
Him “no”

P.S. he was 30 years old… OK

The short and short of it was that mercifully the date ended and he drove me home. I decided that I was done entertaining for the evening and just stopped talking entirely. So from the tunnel to my front door we drove in total silence. It was probably the creepiest experience of my existence.

Oh and the radio was broken.

So to sum:
GUYS: Speak when spoken to
GIRLS: It’s not your job to entertain. He is taking YOU out its his mission to impress you.

6 Responses to “Silent but deadly BORING!!!!!!!!!”

  1. lawschooldrunk May 19, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    While I agree with your comments on the 3 mistakes, I vigorously disagree to, "GIRLS: It's not your job to entertain. He is taking YOU out its his mission to impress you. " By this I mean that it is equally the females responsibility to converse and be amiable. Nothing less.Sounds like you don't date gentlemen.

  2. charles May 19, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    Except that if hes taking you out, he probably should be the one with a little bit to say. Obviously the girl isn't just gonna sit there like a brick wall and not say anything but if hes just asking "yes/no" questions, its kind of hard for the girl to get a good flow going.

  3. Anonymous May 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

    having been on a date that was very much like this one, i can attest to the fact that no, it is not a GIRL's job to entertain. in fact, i will like to share that not only did my date give one word answers to my repeated questions(he obviously didnt feel the need to ask any), after dinner he simply decided he would no longer speak AT ALL. now let me tell you i desperately just wanted to take a cab back to my home, however he decided he wanted to walk me home. all very nice and gentleman like except for the fact that he did not speak ONE WORD in 20 minutes.i do not exxagerate. not EVEN a "yes" or a "no" or a "thats nice". suffice it to say i probably recounted every possible story i could remember, just to get even a REACTION out of him. frustrated, due to the fact that a zombie was now walking me home, i practically ran the second my door came into sight.that being said, just because you offer to pay for her dinner, a girl is not obligated to be your source of entertainment for the night. check, please!!

  4. Check Pleaseee May 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

    Zombies definitely do not make for good dates. Aside from their affinity for eating brains (hopefully not yours), grunting is not really an effective means of communication. If you are going to go mythical- I'd suggest vampires… just a thought.

  5. Tania September 9, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    Your writing is entertaining and well written.
    Just found your blog because you posted on my post.

    • umcheckplease September 9, 2011 at 10:53 am #

      Thank you so much for the feedback! I really enjoyed what you wrote too! Happy reading!

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