Mr. In Denial

18 Nov

It is a well known fact that all of the best guys are either taken or gay (or in my case, freaks). Despite the blatant truth behind this statement, there are still a few guys who fall into the confused and/or in denial category. For those select few I have only this to say to you:

Guys….SERIOUSLY, if you have homosexual tendencies, please please PLEASE do not date heterosexually. It just confusing for everyone involved.

How can I be sure if you are leaning in to kiss me or to ask me who did my highlights? Should I get mad when when I catch you checking out my ass or give you the benefit of the doubt that you are doing that because you have those very same dark wash skinny jeans? Should I be concerned with your playlist comprised of Mariah Carey songs from the 90’s?

Now I have nothing against gay guys. I always wanted to have a gay best friend but what I would NOT appreciate is a gay boyfriend. I don’t think that would be fun at all.  However, apparently match makers do not find homosexuality a deterrent when setting me up on dates. Maybe they think that I can help cross them over to the hetero side…who knows!?!!?!

I’m the kind of girl who needs a manly man. Big , tall, strong, rugged who would defend my honor in a bar fight and then drink a beer or something. What I would NOT be attracted to is a man who knows more about fashion than I do and would rather be out at a Cher concert than with me. If I wanted to listen to Celine Dion and hear about Oprah all day, I would hang out with my mom.


So this guy comes to pick me up from my house and I promise you this is what he looked like …

Except that over his nipple (which I could distinctly see through his tight muscle tee-disturbing) there was a little embroidered animal of some kind with a rhinestone eyeball. I shit you not! He was more blinged out than I was.

Here is how you know that your date is gay short of him actually admitting it or making out with a guy in front of you…

Sign #1
His shirt is tighter than yours

Sign #2
He takes you to a vegan/vegetarian restaurant  (such a tease because I was REALLY craving a nicesteak dinner that night)

Sign #3
He is wearing man jewelry, guy-liner and/or rhinestones

Sign #4
He compliments your jeans by telling you they are “stunning” before proceeding to inform you about his weakness for shoes and his extensive designer jean collection (over 100 pairs!!!) Oh and he also mentioned that he makes his housekeeper (insert a very not PC and derogatory word here) iron those jeans with a crease.

Meanwhile, I own like 3 pairs of jeans and they are all from forever 21, I wash them once every 2 weeks and throw them in the dryer. It was clear we might have reversed roles when it came to certain things.

Sign #5
He tells you a story about the time where he could not sleep over a friend’s apartment because he needed to perform his night regiment of applying toner and moisturizer. I DON’T EVEN USE TONER!!!!!!!! (Mostly due to the fact that I am not quite sure what it’s purpose is!)

After that comment I ran to the bathroom and texted my mom the following
“Mom, help. I am on a date with a gay Danny Zuko. WHYYYYY meeee???”

She later told me that she could not text back because she was laughing so hard…. I am so glad that my misery is a source of entertainment for others.

Sign #6
He has a special place in his heart for the Big gay ice cream truck

Sign #7
He looks like this:

Needless to say, I did not go out with him again as I have a strict “no gay” policy when it comes to dating. I mean come on, a single girl has to have SOME standards.

To sum:
Girls: Watch out for the obvious signs indicating that your date is probably more interested in your waiter than you.
Guys: If you are attracted to men please don’t date women me.

5 Responses to “Mr. In Denial”

  1. your worst November 24, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    Girl, that is toe up! Isn't toner that stuff i put in my printer? Why's he putting that on his face? He's a hot mess home girl!

  2. your worst November 24, 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    oh, and did you ask him to sing grease lightening to you? maybe he was danny zuko, and you just let him slide out of your life.

    • umcheckplease November 24, 2010 at 9:23 pm #

      While one WOULD think that toner is something used in a printer, apparently it also refers to a lotion or wash designed to cleanse the skin and shrink pores, usually used on the face. It is obvious that this (wo)man had some seriously enlarged pores. Also, if he actually WAS Danny Zuko, he would have taken me to the drive in movie “The Blob”, given me a promise ring and tried to make a move on me. Since none of those things happened on our date due to the obvious gay factor, it is clear that he was sadly not a young John Travolta with great dance moves and an angelic singing voice.

  3. will date for free food September 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    You win. Haha!



  1. When they come………..THEY FLOCK « Um…check, please!!!! - August 12, 2011

    […] To sum: Oftentimes no matter how blunt you are, some guys will remain relentless and refuse to get the hint. It is usually the guys who you would rather poke your own eyes out rather than look at, who want you. And the ones who you are interested in are always not interested OR as we said before, taken, gay or freaks. […]

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