Freak Potential

2 Dec

As you might have guessed, I have been on my fair share of dates. From absolute horrors to freaks to downright weirdos…you name it, I have probably dated it, manipulated it and eventually rejected it.

After returning home night after night one might think I would be distraught, depressed and full of self pity and loathing. However, this is not the case. Instead of getting discouraged, I comfort myself with the knowledge that with each passing date I am one step closer to finding my true love. Just one date closer to discovering with more clarity what I really want in a man and subsequently learning more and more about myself along the way.


             WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That has as much truth to it as the “it’s not you it’s me” excuse or the “let’s just be friends” let down. It’s as though you shouldn’t feel bad about having to suffer through night after night of mind numbingly boring dates with absolute freaks BECAUSE now you know that you don’t want a freak. WOW what an amazing discovery Sherlock. OBVIOUSLY I would be disinclined to date a freak but I already knew that BEFORE I went out with the guy. The only thing you learn on a date such as that, is just HOW much of a freak he can be. I like to call this his “Freak Potential.”

You always knew that you did not want to enter into matrimony with a weirdo, you just didn’t ever conceive that there could possibly be someone SO incredibly weird that he would regale you with a 15 minute story about the time his girlfriends dad caught them in a compromising position. Right, because I really needed that mental image. There are just some things I don’t need to know. Perhaps he thought that lovely tale would get me in the mood….

Shockingly, it did not.

And another thing. What does it mean that you learn more about yourself with each passing date? It’s like well, I USED to think I would be ok dating a guy who thinks it is appropriate and normal behavior to show up still hungover from the night before. Good thing I went out with him because NOW I know that I am in fact NOT ok with that.

No, so far the only things I have learned from my experiences in the dating world is that I want a guy who does not posses any of the following characteristics:

– Strange nicknames – NEWSFLASH we are not in high school!
– Uses more hair product than I do
– Has a mustache and/or soul patch 
– Calls me his girlfriend after the second date to a car full of random strangers
– Thinks its normal to take his shoes off in public venues
– Is shorter than me to the point where he is making eye contact with my chest by default
– Does not posses a college degree
– Has never heard of the Renaissance
– Is mute- just because I am capable of speaking does not exempt you from doing the same

Just to name a few. And guess what??? I didn’t need to go out with these guys to realize all of this. Yes readers, I am so glad that I know these things because now I know what is REALLY important to ask the people who set me up. Some girls want to know about what the guy does for a living. I want to know if he has awkward looking facial hair.

Before I started my plight towards marriage by entering the dating world I thought I had a pretty good idea of a guy’s Freak Potential. I was (and still am) in for a rude awakening. Just when you think you can’t possibly go out with a bigger freak than someone who takes you on a date to a train station, you get set up with a guy who makes you WISH that you were at that train station getting approached by homeless men who sell you poems for a dollar.

Shout out to the GENIUS and extremely hilarious Mr. Worst Nightmare who I will credit with the inspiration for this post.

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