When they come………..THEY FLOCK

9 Dec

If good things are said to come to those who wait……….. WHAT GIVES?

I have been waiting, very patiently I might add, and I have not received these so called “good things.”

Instead what happens to me is as follows:

– No one asks me out on a date for a couple of weeks…………………………………………..

– Suddenly 3 guys freaks call in the same week (usually a really busy or inconvenient week obviously)

– Then…..silence again…..

Why does this happen? My good friend and I discuss this all the time and have come up with a few reasons:

1) When guy #1 calls you, a coded message goes out to all available freaks. When they hear of the possibility that I might be off the market their inner caveman comes out and they MUST HAVE ME.

2) The big guy upstairs thinks this is a funny joke

3) It is a conspiracy among the freaks

In my humble opinion, I feel it is a conspiracy.

I like to call this the “when they come they flock” phenomenon by nature of the fact that it happens consistently and with no logical explanation. What else could explain the “coincidence” that both “The Talker” and a guy who I will refer to as “Salt” would both make contact with me in the same day????

Apparently it seems that despite the fact that I pretty much ignored/mocked/disgusted them during/post-date they were not deterred and remained just as ignorant and relentless. Perhaps my female readers will utilize the above tactics and snag themselves a husband. Unfortunately for me, there was a reason I ignored/mocked/acted repulsively.

Observe:

Preface: after going on a date with him mid-October I was alerted to the fact that this guy lacks brain cells and basic social skills. Predictably I ignore/ shut down any of his attempts to meet up again however he is relentless. It will soon become obvious to you that not only is he incapable of taking a hint, but also does not understand basic English (much like the migrant construction workers on my block who call out “hola bonita besame.” Yes, I understand Spanish and no, I am not your bonita).

11/13
Salt: Hey whatsup? What are you doing?

I ignore him…….

11/18
Salt: Hey what are you up to tonight?
Me: Hey, seeing harry potter at midnight
Salt: wow busy girl
Me: yep

Curt one word replies are usually a sure-fire way to end any conversation………….NOT with this guy

11/24
Salt: Hey how was harry potter?

Ignore him phase 2………….

12/8
Salt: Hey what are you up to tonight?
Me: Hey. Holiday party with my family
Salt: Ohh wanna continue the celebration later? We can do something   (Yikes…hell to the no)
Me: I’m all partied out and I’m sick
Salt: So we can go for pepto bismol. It tastes really good.  (I’m not even going to comment on that)
Me: No thanks, I have a really nasty cough (aka please go away)
Salt: Me too…I say we compare   (Wow, I can smell the desperation from here and it is FOUL)
Me: Haha you are relentless
Salt: Is relentless good?  (SERIOUSLY? I’m going to guess that he failed the vocabulary portion of his SAT if he even took them. Dude needs to examine his life.)

For those of you who don’t know basic 8th grade vocabulary here is the textbook definition for you

Relentless: showing or promising no abatement (click the link if you need help with this one, I’m sure Salt would) of severity, intensity, strength

12/9
Salt: I think its good
Me: You are entitled
Salt:I wouldn’t relent if I didn’t think you were worthy of me relenting. For some people I relent.
Me: Huh?

I am not even sure that what he said made any sense. I think he was trying to compliment me by saying I am worth his constant persistence (he is correct in this assumption). However, his ridiculous sentence structure and grammar only succeeded in making me laugh at his incompetence.

For the life of me I cannot understand the random, sporadic, persistent, contact!!!!!!

Let us now examine another phenomenon. Aside from the “when they come they flock” there is also the ever popular “unrequited freak love” phenomenon. This occurs when the girl has absolutely no interest in the guy whatsoever, but he thinks he has a chance/is obsessed with her.

This is often accompanied by a Freudian psychology term known as projection. This is where an individual projects their own emotions onto the other person and makes statements like “you really want me” or “you think I am so hot” Actually NO, I don’t want you and you are hideous, but you want me so therefore you are projecting your feelings and attempting to claim that I have them.

Why is it that only the guys who disgust and make me ill just by being in their vicinity are the ones who are interested in me? No matter how blunt I am, they still don’t get it!

I ask you……WHO WAS FLIRTING IN THIS SCENARIO?????????????? It is PROJECTION I tell you!

I am not lying when I say things like the above happen to me constantly and it is always at least 2 freaks making contact on the same day. Just ask my friend The Shoe Whore who I text religiously when these things happen and assists me with coming up with hilarious replies (well, hilarious to us because as we said the guys don’t ever get the hints).

To sum:
Oftentimes no matter how blunt you are, some guys will remain relentless and refuse to get the hint. It is usually the guys who you would rather poke your own eyes out rather than look at, who want you. And the ones who you are interested in are always not interested OR as we said before, taken, gay or freaks.

Shout out to The Shoe Whore who I love and who loves my blog 🙂

6 Responses to “When they come………..THEY FLOCK”

  1. Esty December 9, 2010 at 3:38 pm #

    I think its cute that he "relents" for you. Maybe you should give him a chance. At least his vocabulary might improve. ps. this blog makes my day

  2. your worst December 10, 2010 at 2:13 am #

    Dear Checkpleaseee, my mom likes to butt her very big jewish nose into my dating carear…she thinks i'm too closed minded, and dont give people chances. Currently she is made because i will not date her friend's, friend's, nephew's, sister, uncle's, anunt's, brother, who's name no one could really figure out how to pronounce, comes from a weird religious background (but considers himself to be open-minded), and is from brooklyn…basically he sounds about as apealing as an ingrown toenail. Now i dont think i'm too judgmental, but when i go on dates i have exactly 4 rules that i live by:1. no dating anyone with names i cant pronounce2. no dating anyone from brooklyn (now, i have nothing against brooklyn as a borough…just the males that originate there)3.come from awkward religious backgrounds4. no dating anyone's relative (i learned the hard way that people take personal offense when they set you up with their sibling/nephew/uncle and you dump them).thus this boy clearly violates all four rules. i do not want to go out with him (in fact i said no), but now my mom/family are all mad at me because they think i'm a cold hearted, closed minded jerk. i need some sound advice…what would you do checkpleaseee?Sincerely, mrworstnightmare

  3. Check Pleaseee December 10, 2010 at 2:35 am #

    Well well well unfortunate Mr. worst nightmare. It seems that you have got yourself in QUITE a pickle…and a sour one at that! This scenario is what some might call their "worst nightmare". What a positively lovely and irritating tale of irony. Although your parents may think they know what is best for you, it is always preferable to avoid any activities which are reminiscent of ingrown toenails. I am quite familiar with the relation between ingrown toenails and strangely named relatives of family members from (gasp) Brooklyn! Both are annoying, painful and sometimes downright smelly experiences which no one should willingly subject themselves to. That being said I think you should inform your parents that you are quite capable of selecting your own future counterpart. And he most definitely will not fall into any of those 4 dreaded categories. Although I understand your aversion to Brooklyn men, I think that is the only one of the 4 categories on which you should be more open minded. Considering the singles crisis sweeping Jewish communities around the world, one must remember not to be too picky when it comes to certain things. Obviously traits such as height and amount of brain cells are not up for compromise. However, you never know where your true love might be. He could be in the hospital caf, somewhere in Spanish harlem or maybe even somewhere as remote as Jamaica or morocco. It's important to have an open mind and I am certain that when you do meet that special someone, you will think back to this day and laugh a deep throated hearty laugh. You will then write me a ginormous check or buy me a ridiculously expensive gift to thank me for the advice I have bestowed upon you. Wishing you all the best of luck in your plight towards marriageCheckpleaseeeP.S. If you're free Sunday night I have a cousin from Brooklyn who would be just PERFECT for you!

  4. Enamuel December 14, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

    Clearly the best line is this: "Salt:I wouldn't relent if I didn't think you were worthy of me relenting. For some people I relent."

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Pigeons « Um…check, please!!!! - August 12, 2011

    […] heard from him since I first blogged about the “when they come they flock” phenom back in […]

  2. What is the catch?? « Um…check, please!!!! - August 12, 2011

    […] Pigeons by definition are birds who are abundant in number and are EXTREMELY repulsive in nature. This is what we refer our dating life to; disgusting and disease ridden nuisances, aren’t we sweet? As I am sure you all recall, the reason these “pigeons” flock is wholly due to the “when they come they flock phenomenon.” […]

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