Jamaican me CrAzY

18 Jan

After a much deserved and needed vacation to Jamaica, I have returned to bitter cold snow mountains, strange guys with freakish behavior and ………….my beloved blog.

Typically, I opt for vacation spots which are obscure by nature of the fact that I hate seeing people I know when I am away. I genuinely don’t appreciate being observed while I am trying to be as lazy and idle as humanly possible and simultaneously consume unnatural amounts of alcohol at ridiculous hours followed by karaoke renditions of songs from the 90s. And for the first few days of my trip I was able to do JUST that without the fear of being recognized or being forced to make small talk or pretty much do anything that would involve moving from my beach chair….

Unfortunately, towards the middle of my stay I encountered a group of guys of the same religion. Naturally, like those with things in common, we formed a small posse and met up a few times over the course of the day….AND naturally, 2 out of the 4 guys were freaks and therefore couldn’t resist me. Apparently my freak magnet attracts just the same no matter what country I am in.

The following are scenarios and/or little snippets of dialogue that transpired over my trip:

Creeping peeping Tom:
While working on my tan, I spotted the peeper as he began walking towards my beach chair. Instinctively I covered myself up with the towel because, lets be real here, that view isn’t for just anybody and ESPECIALLY not for this guy. Anyway, he notices my obvious attempt at hiding my bodacious bod and calls me out on it.

Normally, I appreciate it when a guy calls me out on certain kinds of behavior but this was not one of those times.

Peeper: Are you covering up because I came over here to talk to you?
Me: Yep
Peeper: Well that’s ok… I was watching you for the past 10 minutes before I decided to walk over
Me: Ummmm…(pulling the towel closer around me) that is REALLY creepy.
Peeper : *creepy smile*(thus emphasizing his creep factor) I couldn’t help it.

Needless to say, I excused myself to the restroom, put all of my clothes back on over my bathing suit and remained that way till he left. There was no way I was going to sit there while this dude leered at me. It’s his fault that my tan is uneven.

Idiots 101:
One evening in the hotel bar, we got into a discussion about people we know in common. Mrworstnightmare and I kept making jokes and dropping comments LADEN with sarcasm but predictably, the guys just did not catch on. At one point it was discovered that I had attended school with Peeping Tom’s sister:

Peeping Tom: (in response to something funny we said) You are very funny
Mrworstnightmare: (in a deadpan serious tone) Yea…in her school they had a mandatory course on how to be funny. Didn’t your sister tell you about it? Jokes 101..That’s where she learned everything she knows.
Me: *giggling my head off*
Peeping Tom: Wow…that’s so cool…wait… really?
Us: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people couldn’t get sarcasm if it bit them on the earlobe.

Nice try:
Guy: so can I buy you a drink?
Me: It’s an all inclusive resort…

Couples Retreat:
As I made my way from the beach to my room, I ran into another one of the guys who wanted to stop and chat.

Him: Where are you going?
Me: I’m going to my room to get my book.
Him: My neck really hurts… I want to get a massage
Me: OK…so get a massage
Him: I don’t want to go alone…come with me.
Me: You want me to come and watch you get a massage????
Him: No no! We’ll get one together! Like a nice couples massage.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA we are NOT a couple (exit stage left)

There isn’t enough Jamaican rum in the world that could get me to agree to that.

To sum:
Even on vacation it is near impossible to avoid the freaks which you left your hometown to get away from in the first place!!! Perhaps in such cases, it is best to let your own freak flag fly, but just be forewarned….”what happens in Jamaica…….ends up on youtube”

One Response to “Jamaican me CrAzY”

  1. Anonymous January 19, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    HAHAHA, can i buy you drink when it's all inclusive, what a tool

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