The Octopus

8 Feb

As a child, and later on as a teacher, there are 5 little worlds that I have become familiar with. They were drilled into my brain by my mother and teachers and finally when I taught, I said those words on a daily basis ad nauseam. What were those words you might ask?

“Keep your hands to yourself”

Clearly, The Octopus did not learn what I did. Perhaps his teacher did not sufficiently educate him the way I did with my students because the reason he earned his nickname was not due to his ability to shoot ink out of his body (well THAT’S oddly sexual), but rather because enduring an evening with him was much like being attacked by an 8 armed man.

I’m serious…there is something called personal space and this guy continuously violated it. He did NOT get the memo. It all began at a party. My friend and former room mate, The Tease, introduced us and we began talking. Suddenly, I noticed his hand on my waist. Well…HELLO! Way to be forward dude that I just met…I quickly made an escape and returned to the dance floor.

Much like most of the freaks I attract…this one was similarly relentless. I know this because half an hour later I was assaulted on the dance floor by another one of his tentacles arms. I was just about to send a “help” signal (essentially giving her the middle finger while drawing it across my throat) to The Shoe Whore when another one of his tentacles shot out and encircled me, trapping me in his squid-like grip.


I decided that my best tactic was to continue dancing for a few more seconds and then squirm away and loose him in the crowd. As I was formulating this carefully calculated plot…his hand drifted towards my derriere…(pause for effect)…Now, even with 5 shots of vodka under my belt there was NO way I wasn’t going to notice his hand following suit… I promptly FLUNG his hands away and disappeared into the mob.

What the heck.

I thought that was the end of that…alas I was wrong. My freak magnet attraction was too strong for him not to find me again. This time I made sure The Shoe Whore got the message that under NO circumstances is this guy allowed within a 4 foot radius of me and that she must do anything within her power to make sure I am safe.

Clearly, I should have chosen a better body guard because moments later he was upon me once again. This time his face DANGEROUSLY close to mine…he may or may not have said something like “let’s go back to my place” to which in my genius mind I replied “sorry, I have to study” and bolted (even in my drunken stupor studying always takes precedence over sexual harassment. My professors and mrworstnightmare would be proud).

Sidebar: Who says “let’s go back to my place”????????????????? Are we living in a movie? Apparently we are because my life is a freaken comedy and should be nominated for an award for it’s accurate portrayal of my existential being, a documentary if you will.

Luckily, the guy whose party it was swiftly spun me away from The Octopus and pretty much saved my life. You would think the tale would end here…alas you are wrong once more. The Octopus, enraged that his prey was stolen from beneath his nose angrily tried to pull me away from my savior.

Savior: Dude… what are you doing?
Octopus: (unintelligble jumble of words as he tried to pull me towards him)
Savior: I’m dancing with her man, its my birthday.
Octopus: I don’t believe you
Savior: Dude… it’s my birthday this is MY party.

I was scared that this would result in a human tug of war. That would be particularly bad considering I am very fragile and am not interested in both of my arms dislocating. 

Thankfully, The Octopus got the hint…for about 5 minutes…

He returned and tried to convince me to go for a walk with him in negative 20 degree weather.
NEWSFLASH: No one is that stupid.

Mercifully, The Shoe Whore and I said our goodbyes and piled into a taxi home and far away from the Kraken.

To sum:
Unless you want to be rejected repeatedly and subsequently deflate your alcohol induced ego…Keep your hands to yourself .

Shout out to: The Tease for providing me with blog material and to The Shoe Whore for her terrible protective skillzzz

6 Responses to “The Octopus”

  1. Shoe Whore February 9, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    Sorry I do need to revise this story a little since Miss checkpls did have one shot too many that night and has left out slash drunkenly forgot key points of this story!! Its all started out when we met octopus man at the bar. He was tall dark and handsome… Did I say he was TALL (One of the requirement miss checkpls seems to rarely find) Soooo as the bestest and awesomest wing girl that I am, left the two alone to get acquainted, cuz no one wants a cute petite girl in the way πŸ™‚ Anways, how the hell was I suppose to know that TALL dark and handsome would have 8 tentacles and turn into Octopus man. After the first incident that Miss checkpls came freaking out to me for protection, I was the best body guard! I saved mMiss checkpls on more than one occasion. It might not have been me personally who saved her but I sent all the saviors like a good guardian angle that I am! Aaaaaaand miss check pls forgot to mention that at the end of the night when octopus man almost had ALL 8 tentacles on her, I the Shoe Whore, grabbed her and took her away before I needed to use my 5in heels on him! Soooooooooooo your very welcome!!!

  2. umcheckplease February 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Thank god for you!!!!!!! I was hastily trying to fill in the blanks of what transpired that night. Luck for me I have my own little shoe whore to remind me of a few key points. For example, I totally forgot what the guy looked like (score that he was attractive). Obviously I would never forget that he was tall- CRUCIAL! I guess I was erroneous. Apparently my precious shoe whore is quite protective in a behind-the-scenes kind of way. All I have to say is thankfully it was just his tentacles on me and not his (word that sounds like tentacles)…;)

  3. Anonymous February 11, 2011 at 3:44 am #

    see, what's interesting is that the Octopus actually called me the next day and asked me to check a number for him…It was the number of none other than…(drumroll) Checkplease!That's right, Checkplease actually gave Octopus her number…

  4. Shoe Whore February 11, 2011 at 4:47 am #

    Dw miss checkpls I got your back. We all do stupid things when alcohol is involved but who cares he was TALL dark and handsome. You never know 8 tentacles could come in handy πŸ˜‰ P.s you might need more than one pair of handcuffs :p

  5. umcheckplease February 11, 2011 at 3:55 am #

    Hahaha! Amazing! Yet another key point I forgot about. Thanks to the gods of alcohol for my apparent phone-number bulimia.It's great when all the pieces slowly come together…for that, Anonymous, I thank you.


  1. We meet again… « Um…check, please!!!! - August 29, 2011

    […] to get back into the water/dating pool… (cue the Jaws theme- duh duh…duh duh…). The Octopus strikes […]

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