Count me out

2 Mar

After a long hiatus from dating and blogging… I have returned bearing stories that will make you laugh, cringe and be thankful that you aren’t me. I know most of you were very concerned that I had secured myself a man or gotten engaged because you hadn’t read anything new lately. Alas, you have worried in vain for I am still enjoying the many perks of singledom (emphasis on the “dumb”). Mainly, horrifyingly entertaining stories.

It all began a year ago, I kid you not. Some distant relative suggested the match. I decided that he reminded me of Count von Count from Sesame Street so from henceforth he will be refered to as The Count. You would think this would tie in nicely with my vampire fetish…

Anyway I agreed to go out with him, however during the interim between when I found out about it to the time that he actually called me (2 weeks later) I miraculously managed to find myself a boyfriend (shocking I know). I informed the matchmaker that I was dating someone which she neglected to mention to the guy. So, when he called me one day I was shocked, confused and predictably ignored the call.

The next day, I receive a call from the matchmaker yelling at me that I’m not nice and that rejecting guys is going to ruin my sparkling reputation (if only they knew…). Well, CLEARLY if I had a boyfriend I was not going to be interested in going on dates with a random stranger, especially The Count. This did not register with her because she insisted that I call him back and explain why I didn’t want to go out with him because he was apparently waiting for me to call him back. Well, needless to say that put me in an incredibly awkward position.

So the short and short of it was that I called up The Count and explained that I had a boyfriend and didn’t realize that he was waiting for me to call him back. It was obviously a very uncomfortable conversation but that was the end of that…….Or so I thought….

Fast forward to a year later when my friend and lover the Shoe Whore asked me if I knew The Count because someone had suggested they go out. I responded by saying “1, 2, 3 ha ha ha”.

Just kidding.

But seriously, I explained the whole story that happened but that she should totally give him a try. Why not?? Little did I know what was in store for me because precisely 2 days later I get a text message from a family friend asking me if I wanted to go out with The Count.  I promptly alerted the Shoe Whore and we both had a good laugh about how we recycle guys like its nothing and how the community just sets up people at random. The Shoe Whore had a brilliant plot- we should BOTH go out with him. It would make for an EPIC blog post! Come on imagine…

“The Shoe Whore and Check Pleaseee date the same guy…” wishful thinking.

Fine, so the Count calls me up and we chat as per dating protocol. He suggests that we go to a local museum for an after hours art exhibit. Considering that the men I usually date have yet to step foot into a museum, I was glad to have the opportunity to do something a little more cultured than eat dinner.

The night started out like any typical date, just with a LOT more lengthy silences. I decided a while ago that I am done entertaining when I go on dates, it’s not my job to facilitate discussions- I do that enough with the therapy group that I lead. He was nice enough, but gave off the impression that he has been in the dating world for a long time and therefore was not interested in performing the standard dating gestures such as holding open doors or falling in step while walking. Seriously, he was speed walking ahead of me and I walk fast!

We get to the museum and as we are waiting on the line, he starts explaining to me about how he won membership to a few museums and started waving his membership card around. As if on cue, his card falls into the grate on the floor of the museum. Smoooooth…. It was probably the funniest thing that happened all night.

The museum was interesting, full of typical paintings, Van Gogh, Manet, Monet, a few sculptures and still lifes. Then, off to the side was a temporary exhibit called Found in Translation. The Count thought we should check it out and see what was there.

Preface: I hate modern art. I think it is so dumb and ugly and makes no sense. I one time had the misfourtune of going to a modern art museum when I was in Europe and some of the exhibits included a shishkebab of different kinds of soap and a video of a woman splashing blood on herself. Sorry, but that is NOT art. It is just disturbing.

Found in Translation was a video exhibit which followed 11 “””artists””” and their pieces on politics, the economy and relationships. As I was reading about the exhibit I notice a small card with the following words…

“Please be advised, the contents of this exhibit may contain some graphic nudity.”

Sounds like a wager to me!

Obviously, I was NOT eager to watch pornographic images with this guy I just met so I stood on the side. The Count was not deterred and just walked right in to the movie exhibit. This was not surprising considering that he was a 30 year old sexually frustrated male. I’m sure he was aroused at the thought that he might get to see a nude woman or something of that nature. Well, we were both in for a surprise.

After 30 seconds he came out to signal me to join him claiming “there’s nothing gross.” Obviously the minute that I pop my head in I am subjected to a traumatizing scene of a man vigorously making nice with himself.


Needless to say I RAN the heck out of there, my eyes and soul will never be the same. That is something that I definitely did not want to see ever- ESPECIALLY not on a blind date (I kind of wished that I was blind at that moment). 


 To sum:
When you see a warning sign indicating the presence of graphic nudity, steer clear…. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.


3 Responses to “Count me out”

  1. eyekanspel September 27, 2011 at 5:36 am #

    In honor of this post, I think you should watch this enlightening video of “The Count.” WARNING. Your childhood is about to be forever altered:

    • umcheckplease September 27, 2011 at 8:11 am #

      Hahaha I had definitely seen this before! It’s just as traumatizing the second time around. Poor Count Von Count…. So misunderstood


  1. Qualifications « Um…check, please!!!! - September 20, 2011

    […] The Count…..check (please!!!!!) […]

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