Cougar Town… AKA Miami

12 Apr

It has taken me around a month to come to a realization which is both disturbing and hilarious….I seem to have some kind of inexplicable magnetic pull towards the younger man. It is quite similar to the freak-like magnetism I possess and I assure you, it is just as strong.

It all began with my so called “brief stint” as a cradle robber and I am certain that it won’t end there. Alas, what I believed to be an exception to my strict dating rules (i.e. don’t date younger men) seems to have become an inevitable dating obsession. It has gotten to the point where if there is a man (and I use that term loosely) who I am remotely attracted to, feel free to assume that he is prepubescent or a recent high school grad.

I thought that The Sir would be my first and last, however, I would soon discover that Miami is brimming to the rim with tall, well established and attractive………..wait for it……………….. TEENS! Yes… you heard right.. teenagers! Jail bait! ACTUAL men-children.

Now, clearly I am not a pedophile who scopes out the scene for innocent young prey to corrupt (minus the pedophilia part that statement is pretty true though). It just happens to be that during my weekend-long vacation, every single guy who I thought was decent looking turned out to have been born in a completely different generation.

It all began at a luncheon in Florida for my best friend and her new husband. I spotted Mr. Tall dark and handsome across the table. Every so often I’d glance around to see where he had gone. Suddenly the Shoe Whore walks up to me:

Shoe Whore: Did you see —………
Me: (cutting her off before she could finish her thought) Oh yes… Spotted him a while ago- GORGEOUS

We both mentally obsess over this guy and decide that the best tactic would be to find out his name from our friend’s husband. The Shoe Whore and I march over to where he is sitting and start demanding info on the tall dark hottie.

The Husband then proceeds to drop the bomb in the form of an uproarious fit of laughter which his mother soon joined in on.

The Husband: “Is that a joke? I used to babysit for him. Are you crazy?? He is 18 you could get arrested!”
Me: “BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
The Mom in law: (in a thick Spanish accent)” Do you know how to change a diaper? Do you have a bottle for him? HE IS A BABY!!”
The Shoe Whore: “I’d babysit him any day 😉  ”

The Shoe Whore and I were both traumatized by our mutual attraction to a guy who apparently wore diapers up until recently.

I reluctantly crossed my potential child groom off my list of “things to do this weekend” as I was not interested in adding “post bail” to it.

Later, I set my sights on another attractive guy sporting a hipster kind of nerdy style which is always sure to play at my heartstrings- (sidebar: he later mentioned something about suspenders – I nearly fainted then and there). All seemed to be in order until I spotted him with a baby (an actual infant this time). The whole day he was holding this tiny little baby in his arms which was really adorable. Sadly, this nerdy baby daddy was taken…………or so I thought.

Fast forward to Saturday night club scene in Miami. The Husband was determined to get his wife, the Shoe Whore and I into one of the hottest clubs around. We get to the entrance and there is a seriously long line of people waiting to get in.

Now, I don’t wait on lines when I am with the Shoe Whore because she uses her “assets” to get us right in. No fuss no muss. However, this time she would not have to lift a finger because we were soon shown the way straight into the club. No cover, no hassle, no worries by none other than the so called nerdy baby daddy who had a table inside.

Surprise surprise! I soon discovered that he wasn’t married, he was simply holding his baby niece! Awwwwwwww!

I also quickly discovered that it was that not his child due to the fact that he was a child HIMSELF. Yes… ladies and gentleman…. he was 19 years old. OBVIOUSLY! Despite the fact that he was very well established and owns a couple of companies AND is friends with the bouncers of all the hottest clubs in Miami,  he was still a mere youth with the dewy glow of a baby’s rosy red cheeks scattered with the beginning stages of pubescent facial hair.

Needless to say, I was enamored. I might have a problem.

BUT…. I was not the only one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My motto “Go young or go home” was quickly adopted by the Shoe Whore AND Miss Anxiety.

The Shoe Whore and Guttenberg/Sebastian Bach

While at the club, the Shoe Whore stole the heart of another youngster. He was attached to her the whole night and took her number too! I’m telling you, there is something about these younger men….

Later, we met up with a few of The Husband’s friends for drinks. The Shoe Whore was crushing on a youth with the BIGGEST lips you have ever seen… henceforth to be known as Froggy Lips. Anyway, they really hit it off. Froggy Lips even offered to carry the Shoe Whore when her 5 inch heels started to hurt her feet. He even showed her his 6-pack !!! Winner!!! Oh- no worries- he was also 20.

So what do we have so far…. 18, 19, 20………. AND……….

Miss Anxiety and Mr. 21 

During my afternoon nap there was a knock on our hotel door. The Shoe Whore answered and was presented with a note from the hotel saying that Mr. 21 was at the front dest waiting for us to get him.

Mr. 21’s obsession with Miss Anxiety was not even remotely subtle.

And finally……… upon returning to our hotel room on Saturday night, ALL three of us get a friend request from “Justin Beiber”- who earned his nickname by nature of the fact that he has Beiber hair AND is 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Sum:

The recent fad to go younger has penetrated my circle of friends. I attribute this to the dwindling pool of available normal men my age. If I had to pick a “flaw” I’d rather it be his age rather than his freak potential.

I reiterate my motto “Go young or go home!!!!!!!!!”

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