Benny’s Date Night

9 May
By popular demand I give you “The Worst Blind Date of My Life”

It was teeming outside when my date finally arrived at my front door. As per tradition, my mother opened it to reveal the slightly nervous, rain soaked man who was to entertain me for the evening. His absent umbrella still remains a mystery. I mean, it was probably the heaviest rain we had all winter and this guy shows up drenched and expects me to join in on his soggy lifestyle? Clearly he didn’t know who he was dealing with.

Well, I wasn’t about to contract pnumonia, so I brought along my own umbrella. It was a flamboyant leopard pattern that suggested sex and excitement, neither of which existed that evening. I offered my date shelter from the rain under my leopard haven, but his manly pride would have none of that. As we walked towards the car I was struck with the foreboding idea that this night might not end well, but would make for a good story. I guess it served as more than a waste of time after all.

We approach the car, my hair already damp from the rain, when he asks “so…what do you want to do tonight?”

REALLY??? I’m sorry but wasn’t HE the one taking me out? This is a blind date, surely this isn’t the first one he has ever been on. Alas, it might as well have been for the way the night progressed. Asking a girl out implies you have some semblance of a plan or destination in mind. Obviously, this guy had neither.

I responded with the typical, “I don’t know, I’m game for anything”

He then suggested we walk up and down a random avenue in my hometown and “see what is open.”

I can say with absolute certainty that the number of restaurants in that vicinity is somewhere around 5. Out of those 5, the number of restaurants suitable for a date is zero. Now I’m not that high maintenance. I don’t need to be taken to a fancy place where the price-portion relationship is inverse. I’m not even that picky when it comes to food- I can pretty much eat anything. So when he suggested we walk to a steak house I agreed.

He parked a good 3 blocks from the restaurant which meant we had to walk there in the midst of the ongoing thunderstorm. He reached into the back seat and pulled out a old broken floral umbrella, the kind your grandmother would use. Now I understood why he didn’t use that to escort me from the house. It refused to open and simply remained collapsed above his head. If he held his hand above his head it probably would have been more useful than that sad excuse for an umbrella. 

This might have been more useful

We made our way to the restaurant, and I attempted to dodge puddles as we walked. My black suede flats were not a smart choice. They were practically full of rain, my feet became pruney and cold. There was a general unpleasant squishyness about them. 

The streets were flooded and there was no way to avoid the water that was puddled around the curb. The only solution was to man up and swim across. I just stomped through those puddles despite the consequences to my suede shoes. With determination in my eyes and disdain in my heart I walked on, a fake smile plastered to my face. My jeans soaked from the knees down, hair frizzy from the rain, we entered the restaurant. 

It had a nice ambiance, but was pretty empty. this was because the restaurant had been rented out for a private party which he would of known had he made a reservation. We were promptly escorted from the restaurant and back out into the rain.

We continued walking up the avenue, my mascara smudging around my eyes from the raindrops which blew in my face. Each one mocking me as it trickled down my nose.

“You want to eat here?” he asked, pointing across the street. He geustured towards an eatery which could only be described as rundown. The sign was covered in dirt and ripped at the corners and there was a mechanical horsie ride in front which I assumed would be our after dinner activity. 


You know when you were a kid and your father was away on business and your mother was too lazy to cook dinner and you would beg her to give you a quarter for those little toy machines? You know that sad excuse of a pizza store where the fries have a 2:1 oil:potato ratio and flies circle around your paper plateas you sip flat fountain soda from a plastic cup? That was where he wanted to take me on a date.

“No” I said. Yea, there was no way I was eating there.
We trudged on and passed another, slightly improved, pizza store.
“How about here?” he asked.

My thought process went something like this:
Ok the sooner we choose a place, the sooner we eat the sooner I can get this date over with and get home to my sweatpants and bed and pretend this never happened.
We walked in, and I made sure to sit with my back towards the door. This was a popular Saturday night go to pizza place and I didn’t want to chance being spotted there on a date.

At this place, there are a few tables and paper menus. When you decide what you want to order, you get up and order at the register, when the food is ready they call you up to retrieve it. It is clearly not a date restaurant but I was willing to overlook that because I already wanted to go home and the date barely started.

He looks down at the menu and says “don’t kill me…. But I’m allergic to cheese.”
Allow me to re-emphasize the fact that we are in a PIZZA store…and shocker of shocks…pizza has …CHEESE!!!!!

“Ok…do you want to go somewhere else?” I asked
“No, its ok I’ll get something else”
“well can I have cheese?”
“yea, I just can’t eat it”
“well, why don’t you order something without cheese?” I suggested guesting towards the sandwiches section on the menu.
“Ok maybe I’ll get a wrap.”
“I think I’ll have the ravioli”- hey was not going to give up cheese for this guy (sorry D-dawg).

***awkward silence as I decide on the best way to indicate to him that no one was coming to take our order being that this is NOT A DATE RESTAURANT***

Time to be blunt…
“Soooo umm, you wanna go order the food?”
(a random mishmash of stuttering) as he approaches the register to place our order.

10 minutes later, the cashier was kind enough to bring my plate of ravioli to the table. I didn’t want to be rude, so I patiently waited for my dates food to arrive. After about a minute he noticed I was waiting and told me to start eating.

“No, its ok” I said… “what did you order”
“I didn’t order anything” he replied

(dead pan stare on my face as I try to understand what that means)
“Umm… why not??”
“Well..I didn’t realize that this place doesn’t take credit cards and I don’t have a lot of cash on me.”

Oh my god, is this a joke? Can the earth just open up right now and swallow me whole? Is this my life? Seriously? What kind of guy goes out on a date without cash? Couldn’t he just excuse himself and run to an ATM? This is so awkward. I don’t even know how to react. I don’t think there is any kind of etiquette for this situation. What am I supposed to say now to de-awkwardify this situation? Is that even possible? I hate those bitches for seeing high school musical 3 without me while I sit through a never ending series of horribly awkward moments.

“Oh… well… umm… can you order something small? I can’t just sit here while you watch me eat” I said as calmly as I could all the while planning how long was appropriate before I asked him to take me home.

I literally forced him to order a plate of fries which he devoured and then VERY seductively disgustingly licked his fingertips to remove the oil and salt from them. 

I attempted to restrain my gag reflex.

After we had both eaten, I assumed we would finally be headed home so that I could hide under the covers and pretend that I didn’t just waste an entire Saturday night. 

Mr. Lactard had no intention of leaving and proceeded to talk incessantly about some TV series I had never heard of. He sat there uninterrupted for 12 minutes regaling me with “hilarious” episodes while I mentally planned an exit strategy.

I decided that my best option of getting him to take me back home was to gross him out by loudly announcing “Are you ready to leave soon? I really have to go to the bathroom” which instantly conjures up the image of a young child being potty trained.
He didn’t get the hint and simply said “Oh there’s a bathroom here why don’t you just go to this one”
This was at the time where I thought I had to be accommodating on a date so I did as he suggested and went to the bathroom and stood around there for a while texting people because I didn’t actually need to use the bathroom.
I come out and about 10 minutes later say “Are you ready to leave soon?” (seriously could it be any more apparent that I want to go home???- obviously picking up on subtleties was not his strong point).
He replied ” Oh why? Is it late for you?” (Nooooo I just would rather have my toes bitten off one at a time rather than sit here for another millisecond)
I – deciding to be as REPULSIVE as I could manage – said “Yea well umm … there was no toilet paper in that bathroom”
SHOCKINGLY he still did not get the hint. I mean really, what kind of person tells another on a FIRST (blind) date about their bathroom needs (sometimes I disgust myself)? He was obviously unaffected by my gross behavior OR, thought it was normal which is even more worrisome.
The guy just went ahead and, unaware of his own talent of possessing repulsive behavior, one upped me on my disgusting scale with this line “Here why don’t you take some napkins from the table” and proceeded to hand me a stack of little square napkins with which I was supposed to wipe my tush. 
Mortified I take the napkins and head back into the bathroom.
Texts from that night :
Mom: MOM…this guy just gave me NAPKINS from a table to use in the bathroom- I want to die
ShoeWhore: I hate you. Leave the movie theatre and come pick me up
D-Dawg: Why are the members of your species such idiots? I am on the worst date in history…save me
Sadly no one came to my rescue and I was forced to deal with the situation to the best of my abilities which at the time was just to power through.
Finally, after 4 hours together, Mr. Lactard looks at his watch and exclaims “wow its getting late” and we exit the pizza shop.
As he pulls up by my house the most awkward exchange in history transpires….
Him: Should I walk you to your door?
Me: No no thats fine I think I can manage from here
Him: You know what? I’m gonna walk you to your door
Me: Ummm ok then
Him: (stopping me as I frantically try to shove the key into the lock) So…what was your overall feeling about tonight? Would you want to go out again?
Me: (blank unregistered absence seizure type stare) ummmm…
Now honestly…that just is NOT fair! You can’t ask for a second date before the first date ends! What am I supposed to say?

No actually that was the worst night of my life and I would not like to see you again ever?
No thanks… I’d rather have my eyelashes plucked out one at a time than spend another evening with you?
Um….Well, I was considering shaving my head but I guess going out with you would be just as torturous
What did I say? 
Well…because surprisingly I am not as mean in real life as I come off in my blog I shrugged my shoulders in a coy innocent fashion and gave a bearly audible “umm ok?”  
To sum:
There are many many MANY lessons to take away from this experience and I would love nothing more than to share them with you in the hopes that you will learn what to do (for the girls) and what NOT to do(for the guys).
1) Always have a plan! I cannot stress this enough. NO girl thinks its sexy to have to plan their own date. You asked them out, it is your job to plan. Its really not hard! Go on the internet and type into google “date ideas for dummies”. I am sure you can come up with something that doesn’t make you look like an incompetent fool.
2) Have cash on you. Save yourself and your date the embarrassment of what I had to endure.

3) Pick up on hints. When a girl asks “are you ready to leave soon” or “Its getting late” those are indications that she is not enjoying herself. Although she might be a great actress, we both know that the stomach ache she is faking will miraculously disappear the moment she walks into her house. 

4) DO NOT offer her napkins from the table to use in the bathroom. This does not require any further explanation
5) DO NOT ask for a second date before the first date has ended. You need to give the girl a night to process and see if you are actually worth her time or not. 
Don’t be afraid to say no to a second date if you don’t want to go. Don’t make the mistake I made! Instead of answering right away say something like “I have to see what my schedule is like” or suddenly fake a coughing fit.
The story of this date is one for the ages. My friends are constantly begging me to tell it to them over again and I am sure that my facial expressions and sarcastic tone add greatly to the story as well.  It has been my inspiration and because of the horrifying combinations of events that transpired that night I have discovered my love for writing. For that Mr. Lactard , I thank you.

3 Responses to “Benny’s Date Night”

  1. Sefardi Gal May 27, 2011 at 5:23 am #

    WOW. This one nearly tops my bad dates.At least you have an entertaining story, right? 🙂

  2. umcheckplease May 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm #

    That's my motto… second to "Go young or go home" and right above "nice guys finish first":)


  1. Experiments « Um…check, please!!!! - December 27, 2011

    […] What if he’s lactose intolerant? […]

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