The Pigeons

23 May

Very similar to Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”, I seem to find myself in the midst of a flock of pigeons. This happens to me quite frequently however, this week has proven that the theory not only exists, but should be upgraded to a scientifically proven, evidence based, FACT of life.

It began the way these situations typically do. No dates for a few weeks or so followed by one blind date and then suddenly the pigeons spot their target and descend, pelting their victim with excrement in the form of texts and BBMs.

This theory has not fully progressed to phone calls yet.

Pigeon #1

Here I was minding my own business, choosing an outfit for my upcoming date when I hear my phone buzzing. It was then that I saw a message (a text message this time- thankfully he learned his lesson from the voicemail fiasco). As you may recall, this guy had serious baggage concerns and was dead set on finding the perfect gym bag under $350.

Him: Breaking news!!!! I finally got a gym bag!!!
Me: Alert the media!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: I got a black one as per your advice

I immediately popped a celebratory bottle of champagne and made a toast to this amazing breaking news story. It probably got more coverage than when Obama killed Osama.

Pigeon #2

One word: SALT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haven’t heard from him since I first blogged about the “when they come they flock” phenom back in December!

You would think that having zero contact with a person for almost half a year would send the message that you are not interested in them. Apparently this is not the case.

I am really convinced that he was signaled by a super high frequency guy radar that alerted him to the fact that:

1) I had just had a date
2) Got asked out on another date by a different guy
3) Baggage guy had contacted me.

I guess Salt felt that he needed to get in on the flocking. It seems to be some kind of snowball effect where the number of dates/contact with guys leads to a significant increase in the number of guys who randomly come out of the woodwork to contact you.

Salt= prime example

Pigeon #3

Although this pigeon has been flocking the longest, he has yet to actually ask me out. Sure he would text me when he was in town, but he would always dance around the topic of asking to go out when he was in town. I guess he just assumed I was going to realize that the only reason he would mention being in town was because he wanted to see me and then subsequently ask HIM out.

Ummm…….. no. That is not how these things work.

If you want to go out with a girl, then you ask her out. You don’t present her with the possibility of going out and then make her put the pieces together and ask you out. It is extremely annoying and will get you nowhere (at least this is the case with me).

This guy has been using this “strategy” with me for a little more than a year and we have still never gone out.

Want to know why?

Because I don’t ask out guys!!! Apparently, it took him a year + to realize that his tactics are as useless as a paper umbrella.

Anyway, assuming that my theory holds true, he also got the coded high frequency guy radar message that it was time to flock because he finally asked me out in a direct way!

The shock has still not worn off.

To sum:

Girls, do not be surprised to learn that the best way to get a guy is to already have one. Just ask Miss Anxiety who was told by an admirer that the fact that she has a boyfriend just made him want her more.

3 Responses to “The Pigeons”

  1. lawschooldrunk May 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

    I thought Salt= Angelina Jolie.

  2. umcheckplease May 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm #

    Well that too..


  1. The love her and leave her type… « Um…check, please!!!! - August 15, 2011

    […] if I didn’t have a billion better things to do.” For example, one of my honorary pigeons who has been flocking for the longest time has succeeded in winning the award for “dancing […]

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