Questions, I’ve got some questions…

4 Sep

There comes a time (or 12) in every girl’s life when she feels a little down on her luck. It is then that reinforcements are recruited in the form of what is known as a “pity party” or in my/The Shoe Whore’s words… a “betch sessh.”

Betch Sessh: noun [‘bech sesh]

1. A gathering of betches where the topic of discussion is of a general betchy, and sometimes self pitying, nature. Usually accompanied by the intake of extremely high calorie food.

Last night was no exception. As the Shoe Whore and I downed mass quantities of oily food derivatives in a highly attractive manner, we betched about …drumroll please… guys.

Well obviously!

With the summers end comes introspection and reflection. Did we accomplish what we set out to do? Did we meet any normal guys??

After conducting extensive interviews among my inner circle of friends, to the latter came a unanimous “NO”. So now comes the most predictable of questions…

Where are all of the Normaltons hiding?

Thorough research has yielded the following results regarding this age old question:

According to The Hopeless Romantic, an expert in the field of all things cheesy, the reasoning behind the disappearance if the Normaltons is due to a process called “molding”. Starting at a very young age, boys are taught to fear strong and intelligent women in order to protect their masculine pride and ego. Because of this, many men seek girlfriends and wives that are significantly younger than them in an attempt to “mold” them into what they want. Thus leaving the strong, intelligent and independent women in the dark. “God forbid these men should have to deal with real women! The horror! (insert BBM covering the eyes face).”

Professor B.H concurred with The Hopeless Romantic and has even coined her own theory on the matter. “The Fresh Hot Pizza Theory is very applicable to the current times. Nowadays, nobody who enters a pizzeria wants the older colder pizza slices that have been sitting out. Instead, they wait for the nice hot fresh slices to come out of the oven.” In her thesis entitled “Relationships and Pizza”, Professor BH discusses the similarities between the two seemingly unrelated topics.

At a recent panel discussion, she posed the following question to a riveted audience “Why would a man want an older woman, when if they simply wait a bit longer, they can have a fresh young one?” Unfortunately the only downside to hot pizza is the possibility of burning the roof of your mouth. Otherwise, there were not many upsides to cold pizza.

In a world where even bad pizza is still pretty good, I find myself wondering…what’s a cold pizza to do?

Join a dating site? Even Big Blue Eyes claimed she “isn’t THAT desperate.”

In a moment of exasperation, The Hopeless Romantic exclaimed that she “Hasn’t had a date since February, with the exception of Matthew Mconaughey.” As an avid watcher of romantic comedies, this surprised no one. Women all over New York are throwing up their arms in defeat. Even the Shoe Whore was frustrated enough to comment  saying that finding a guy is just too hard! “Honestly, just give me an arranged marriage! Or better yet, I’ll visit a sperm bank and be done with it.”

As a New Yorker with standards I heartily agree with all of these women. I even admit to eyeing couples around NYC and am comforted when I see an unattractive woman with a wedding ring. As ridiculous as that may sound, I find myself secretly excited thinking well, if she can find someone, there is still hope!

I don’t even need to leave my house to find that out though. All I have to do is check my newsfeed on Facebook to see who is newly married or engaged. The best part is how the nerdiest girls and the most awkward guys in high school proudly display their coupley profile pictures; the epitome of wedded bliss.

The Hopeless Romantic, in a completely unromantic and surprisingly betchy manner, simply could not take it anymore. “It really isn’t fair.” After a recent betch sessh, she said the following about the marriage of a very big nerd from our graduating class “she is having sex, and I’m sitting here with a tub of ice cream, as if my ass really needed it.”

 To sum:

There is still more research that must be done on this topic. With more and more women going on to graduate school and pursuing careers, men will just need to understand that this is not a threat to their egos/masculinity and act accordingly. Cold pizzas UNITE!!!!

6 Responses to “Questions, I’ve got some questions…”

  1. Yedid nefesh September 5, 2011 at 1:36 am #

    ha ha ha, I feel like all of us are wondering what happened to our beautiful dreams of a summer romance 🙂

    • Ish Yehudi September 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

      When I had trouble with women, I started asking myself the following question: What does a woman want/need in a man?

      The more work I put into understanding and being able to give a woman what she wants/needs, the more I’ve begun looking for a woman who similarly asks herself what a man wants/needs and has a basic desire to understand and give.

      As the analogy goes – if you want to find sheep, ask yourself where they drink… and go to their local watering hole. Normal men exist, the real question is… where do they “hang out”??

      • umcheckplease September 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

        Ah.. yet another question to add to the list. Very well said and I agree that the way to find the right guy is to be at that right place at the right time.

        That being said… can you provide me with the exact GPS coordinates of this normal men’s hangout?

  2. thoughtsappear September 6, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    I like cold pizza. It still tastes good.

    When you find out where normal men are, you’re going to post about it right? You’re not going to keep it to yourself?

    • umcheckplease September 6, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

      Sure sure….after I survey the goods first for myself 😉 DIBS!


  1. Qualifications « Um…check, please!!!! - September 20, 2011

    […] I think it is completely unfair that guys have such a broad selection of attractive, smart and kind people while we have to sift through the scraps of vertically and intellectually challenged men/men-children. I, for one, refuse to settle and exasperatingly demand an answer to my age old inquiry… […]

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