Memo to the Marrieds…

16 Oct

DISCLAIMER: Allow me to preface this by saying that the contents of this memo are not meant to offend my precious posse of married friends. Rather, it’s purpose (as usual) is to entertain. Now that I have covered my bases, let’s get into the heart of a topic…a characteristic which I find many marrieds possess.

In my honest opinion, I find that all marrieds have one major thing in common…

Aside from the ring and the hubby, they all have one unanimous drive. One fierce desire. One extreme need for……..

their single friends to be married.

They simply want us singletons to be as happy as they are! And what’s wrong with that?! It’s the purest form of love and admiration towards your friends to wish for their everlasting happiness! It really is very sweet and selfless!

HOWEVER…

(come on… you all knew that was coming…)

I have found that unfortunately, these good intensions…these heartfelt desires, tend to be somewhat wayward in nature.

I’ll give you an example or 3:

Example #1

Yesterday, I paid a visit to my married bestie The Chocoholic. Upon entering her home, I noticed her husband had 2 friends over. After a few minutes of introductions and chit chat, The Chocoholic and I retired to the kitchen to make some tea. Once we were safely out of earshot, she turned to me in a whisper and said.

Her: So, those guys…

Me: Yea?

Her: They are looking to get married… you wanna marry one of them?

(I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in…)

Not, oh would you want to talk to them for more than 3 minutes/ hang out with them some time?

OR

Would you want me to find out more about them (or ONE in particular because polygamy is not really an option nowadays)?

OR

Would you maybe go on a date with one of them in the near or distant future?

Nope…

Do I want to marry one of them?

Do I want to spend all of eternity with one of these men who I literally just met? (Does it even really matter which one? They are men and they want to get married! A rare combination which should make me giddy with glee!)

SURE!!!!!!!!

Well, based on the 3 minute interaction I had with them in which I learned pretty much zero about their personality and life plans (or who was who- I’m pretty bad with names). I mean, I guess thats more than enough time to make a life altering decision… No?

Not to mention the fact that we weren’t even taking their opinions on the matter into consideration. They might find me as repugnant as a behemoth but lets go ahead and plan my future with them anyway. (Hey, its a feminist world out there, we can make these decisions now! I’m sure women get down on one knee and pop the question all the time.)

Thankfully, Professor BH knocked on the door and I was saved from having to make any kind of ever lasting commitment to one of these very eligible bachelors…

Around 15 minutes after Professor BH was formally introduced to the bachelors, they took their leave and headed home. The door had just barely closed when The Chocoholic launched her attack on Professor BH.

Perhaps she would be more inclined to accept the phantom marriage proposal?

Sidebar: Professor BH and I have VERY different personalities and want completely different things when it comes to guys, but whatever, apparently the bachelors would somehow magically be good for both of us! It was just a matter of which one to choose…

So, Professor BH and I decided that while we probably shouldn’t make any kind of rash decisions upon just meeting these bachelors (who are brothers by the way), we would be inclined to go on a double date with them for the following reasons:

a) Blog material

b) They might be our soul mates

c) Blog material

d) A and C are correct

Example #2

While on vacation with The Chocoholic + Hubby, Miss Anxiety, Professor BH and The Shoe Whore, a similar occurrence transpired.

My good natured bestie pulled me aside and very indiscreetly pointed toward her husband and the man he was talking to. Let’s call him The Rebel.

Her: Thats my husband’s friend. He’s cute no?

Me: Umm I can’t really tell from here

Her: Go talk to him!

Oh sure!!!!!!!

Let me just randomly walk over there and chat it up with this rando out of nowhere! Awesome! I’ll get right on that!

It was only a few days later that we discovered The Rebel was actually a crazy drug addicted party animal who freely spoke about his fetish for banging divorcees after showing us many pictures of his unclad, hairy rear end.

Needless to say, we would not live happily ever after…ever.

Example #3

Back in high school, my now married friend, Mrs. Fairytale, was friendly with a guy who had a VERY unfortunate last name. Let’s just say that if we ever got married, he would be taking my last name.

Last week I discovered that I would be at the same event as the unfortunate last named man and texted Mrs. Fairytale to tell her the ironic news.

Her reply: ha that is way too funny. BTW he’s a nice guy and tall…

Mrs.Fairytale knows what I value, nearly sold me on the height alone 😉 …

Still know nothing else about him but the implication is there…

Marry him.

To the marrieds, the guy is irrelevant! He can be a bum on the street for all they know. He can be an axe murderer, or even worse, a lawyer! Yet the marrieds are blind to the magnanimous flaws of these potential husbands.

I’m convinced it’s all a conspiracy theory! Or, a generous attempt at scoring me some more blog material (thanks girls!)

To sum:

Now that you have all gotten the memo, I would like to conclude with the following. I love ALL my marrieds and I appreciate your innate desire that I should find a man who will make me happy. However, if you want to be involved in setting me up, I would appreciate SOME leg work (pun intended, he must be tall).

14 Responses to “Memo to the Marrieds…”

  1. Miss Chocoholic October 16, 2011 at 1:02 am #

    Well hello there miss checkplease. I have decided to comment on this post seeing that I have been featured in it. Hi everyone, I am the Chocoholic. Now, I would like to share with everyone that I had tears in my eyes reading this post as in fact this is all true. However, I also would like to point out, at least on my behalf, that I in fact am only kidding when I make ridiculous statements like those mentioned above – If only for entertainment purposes alone. Obviously I would never legitimately push or even suggest a date, let alone marriage, without a fair deal of scrutiny.

  2. Grey Goose, Dirty October 16, 2011 at 1:52 am #

    Haha, hysterical post. Gotta love good intentions. At least your friends haven’t given up on you completely as mine have ;-).

    And too cute that Miss Chocoholic defended herself. You have fun friends 🙂

  3. Mrs. Fairytale October 16, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

    Well miss check please, I mrs fairytale want u to live my wonderful fairytale life because i love you! Hence the comment! AND I know what u look for in your knight in shining armor (tall) so u better listen when I say don’t get that check too quickly or you might miss out on Ur knight!
    All you readers out there beware for your miss check please may not be single for much longer when she meets mr terrible last name! Ps he IS a LAWYER and there’s nothing wrong with that!

    • umcheckplease October 16, 2011 at 3:32 pm #

      Mark my words… if we wed, he’s adopting my awesome last name (but you get the credit obviously)

  4. Miss Chocoholic October 16, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Damn straight Mrs. Fairytale- my hubby is a lawyer to be!

  5. gabriella October 16, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    this is hilarious!!

  6. thoughtsappear October 17, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    Miss Chocoholic, No defense needed. Based on your nickname alone, I believe anything you say.

    Checker (Can I call you Checker?), Tall is definitely a requirement.

    • umcheckplease October 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm #

      Checker works! I check in–> check out the guy–> am disappointed due to lack of height–> then promptly check out 😉

  7. yedid Nefesh October 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm #

    Haha its so terrible! they are clueless as if they forgot what it was like for themselves!!

  8. eNAMuel October 17, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    as a guy, I must say I never get this kind of pressure from my married friends… in fact they usually fall off the face of the earth once they say “I do”.
    not a fan of that, but I’m sure they will re-appear once I’m in their boat.

  9. Brooke and Mckenzie (@BROOKEnMCKENZIE) October 25, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    This was amazing and the picture choice…someecards only makes the best.

    Great blog, look forward to reading more and thanks for the follow 🙂

    brookeandmckenzie.wordpress.com

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Coincidence? « Um…check, please!!!! - November 6, 2011

    […] the marrieds pressuring me to go out with him again, I must politely decline on the grounds that, while it might […]

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