Objection and rejection!

29 Oct

I am displeased to inform you that last weekend I was the victim of a crime. After speaking to a few of my lawyer friends, I can safely sue the crap out of a guy/jerk for the following charges:

Trespassing, assault and battery.

Allow me to preface this story by saying that I am OK! If only because I happen to be a self sufficient and resourceful woman who is able to handle whatever life throws her way. In this case, I was thrown a particularly annoying, clingy and determined self righteous douche (wow I really HATE that word but I fear there is no other way to describe him). Therefore he is henceforth to be referred to as “The Annoying Douchebag.”

It all began at a dinner party in the city. I happened to have the honor of staying by my good friend who I will refer to as “Queen of the UWS”, or simply, “The Queen” for short. Her royal highness and I attended a feast complete with good food and wine. Unfortunately for me, I was seated next to one Annoying Douchebag whose incessant blabbering made me want to chew my own ear off if only to stop him from doing the same to me.

The Queen mumbled something to me about this guy being extremely obnoxious and that I should “watch out” for him. Someone even referred to him as “the worst”, just to give you an idea of how bad this guy is. Predictably, he was obsessed with me and try as I might, it was near impossible for me to avoid him! And believe me, I tried EVERYTHING!

After the feast, The Queen and her court ventured out in the rain to a party. Obviously, since I am a freak magnet, the annoying douchebag tagged along in all his annoying glory. I’m not exaggerating when I say that he was attached to my hip for the entire evening.

No really.

Everywhere I turned, there he was. I walked away from him numerous times, talked to tons of people and didn’t bother to introduce him, had my back to him…

I pretty much exhibited every kind of offensive behavior possible. But he was not deterred. I think it actually had the opposite effect and made him want me more.

At one point I tried to get away from him by excusing myself to get a glass of water. Out of nowhere he grabs my cup and spoke to me the way you would a handicapped person which infuriated me and said “no, you stay right here, I’LL get it for you.”

I think he was under the impression that I find such behavior chivalrous and that it would win him points later on. In fact, I found it to be extremely annoying and made me want to dump the cup of water all over his head if only to distract him long enough for me to sneak out of the room.In all honesty, I probably would have found it really sweet if I liked him. BUT since I was trying to get away from him, the fact that he stole that option away from me with his “chivalry” was very irritating.

At the party, I happened to run into a guy I had dated about 4 years ago. Even though he was also pretty annoying, he was 100 times better than being stalked by the annoying douchebag. He was actually very amused by the annoying douchebag’s attempts to get me to like him and was kind of mocking him.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed The Queen was amusing herself with a guy who we will refer to as Mr. Destiny by nature of the fact that he claimed that they were “meant to meet tonight” and other such cheesy lines about fate.

Annoying Douchebag took that as his cue to harass me into letting him walk me home because he was sure that The Queen would not be coming back with me.

Right… There was no way in hell that I was going anywhere alone with that guy.

After a while you would think he would have given up! Alas, he was a very determined little leech.

The Queen and Mr. Destiny summoned me and we began to walk home. Predictably the A.D. and guy that I dated 4 years ago joined us for the walk. The Queen hung back with her man as the three of us continued walking home. Suddenly, guy I dated 4 years ago turned on his block and waved goodbye leaving me with A.D.

Activate panic mode.

Ok… so it looks like I will be arriving at the apartment with A.D. before The Queen. This is NOT good. NOT good at all!!! This is the plan, when he walks me to the apartment I will thank him for walking me and bid him good night and promptly shut the door. Yes, yes this is what I will do.

Upon entering the building, A.D. grabs my keys out of my hand and shoves them into the door and then asks to use the bathroom.

Crap.

Now what????

WHYYYYY MEEEEE!!!!!

I can’t exactly say no, I mean when you gotta go you gotta go!

Fine.

OK.

He uses the bathroom, then comes and sits next to me on the couch and predictably tries to snuggle up to me. I FREAK out and say “I really don’t like it when people touch me.”

I don’t know if there;s a more direct way of rejecting someone but apparently that was not enough because he tried again! To which I said “I’m really very tired and I think you should leave…. now.”

He pretended not to hear me.

Now I’m really panicking because WHAT THE HELL!? GET OUT!

I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to think of a way to get him out of the apartment before I become the victim of a new episode of Law and Order SVU.

I come out of the bathroom to find him MAKING THE QUEEN’S BED.

Yes, you heard me… MAKING HER BED! Did he think something was going to happen in it? Yes…Yes he did.

These things only happen to me.

Me: ummm what are you DOING?

A.D.: making the bed

Me: Please stop… that is VERY weird

A.D.: Why ? I’m just being helpful.

Me: Ok… seriously it’s very late I think you should leave (SLASH GET THE $&!% OUT!)

He turns around, scoops me up and plops me on the bed.

Did that just happen?

I am officially afraid for my life and virginity at this point and curl up into a protective fetal position and strongly say “OK, I am going to sleep and you need to leave RIGHT now. You know where the door is, you can let yourself out.”

Thankfully he got the hint and left but I was left traumatized and emotionally scarred.

To sum:

I will see you in court annoying douchebag

16 Responses to “Objection and rejection!”

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty October 29, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

    Holy cow. What a psycho! Glad you’re okay, but my god, how stupid can some people be? (him, not you)

    • umcheckplease October 29, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

      Apparently VERY! Seriously could not take a hint!

  2. Brookeandmckenzie October 30, 2011 at 1:35 am #

    Wow that really is desperate. Some people they just don’t get the hint do they? Wow I’ve definitely been in a situation where I had to escalate to the police for harassment. This stuff is serious.

    • umcheckplease October 31, 2011 at 10:49 am #

      Its the desperate ones who can be the most psychotic … Maniacs! Almost makes me want to swear off men… Almost

  3. thoughtsappear October 31, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Ewwww…. I need a shower after reading that.

  4. leashieloo October 31, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    There really is no other way to describe him than “the worst.”

    • umcheckplease October 31, 2011 at 10:38 am #

      I can think of a few…but I’d rather not pollute my blog with such profanity

  5. Princess Lea October 31, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    MOMMEEEEE!

    The only problem is proving this in court will be hard. Since it is a matter of your world vs his with no witnesses, plus with reasonable doubt he can always claim he was being Casanova rather than Jack the Ripper.

    Two words: pepper spray.

    • umcheckplease November 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

      I definitely need to invest in a bottle or 7

  6. eyekanspel October 31, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

    Where do you FIND these people??? I wish I could convince myself that you just have an active imagination, but it’s unfortunately too easy to believe this. I have just had the good fortune of not running into annoying douchebags very often, while they seem to be magnetically attracted to you.

    • umcheckplease November 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

      I’m telling you… like moths to a flame these freakish men are just drawn to me.

  7. yedid Nefesh November 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm #

    I just read your story
    creepy!!
    maybe you give off nice vibes?

    • umcheckplease November 1, 2011 at 11:47 pm #

      I just had a conversation with someone about that and I came to the conclusion that I’m too nice and it probably gives people the wrong impression. Must work on being more of a biatchh

  8. gabriella November 6, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    ew.

  9. riatarded November 22, 2011 at 2:03 am #

    Haha oh my god poor you! What a prick Mr A.D is! I hope he didn’t bother you again!

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