6 Nov

A coincidence, by definition, occurs when something uncanny, accidental and unexpected happens. People always say “nothing is coincidence” or “everything happens for a reason” and other such cliche and trite phrases. Therefore, I would like to regale you will a certain coincidental case which clearly DID happen for a reason…

Blog material.

It began a few nights ago at a small gathering in a friend’s apartment. I knew only a few people there, but since I always enjoy a nice social scene, I decided to venture outside my comfort zone and meet a few people.

I was introduced to this guy, let’s call him the Hypocritical Doc. He acquired this name by virtue of the fact that despite being in medical school, he has a very severe obsession with smoking marijuana and damaging his liver with mass quantities of alcohol. And wasn’t ashamed to admit it either as he referred to both numerous times. Way to make a first impression!

I really cannot date someone like that because in my opinion, a man who is THAT obsessed with any substance might not have as much time or energy to dedicate towards being obsessed with me,which is completely unacceptable.

Before I discovered all of this, we began talking. He seemed nice and friendly although I did notice he didn’t have any arm hair which I found a bit odd. I caught myself glancing down at his arms a couple of times in an attempt to locate at least one or two hairs. I was transfixed with wonder…

Did he shave his arms?

Was he born this way?

Is he on a swim team where body hair is always shaved?

Is it some kind of genetic mutation?

It was extremely hard to focus on what he was saying because I was plagued by all these hairy questions.

Hypocritical Doc is currently in medical school so we had lots to talk about (insert anatomy innuendo here). After a few minutes of chatting, his friend came over to join us.

Friend: (pointing at Hypocritical Doc) This guy has the greatest nickname ever.

Me: What’s his nickname?

Friend: It’s “Soso”

Me: Why is that his nickname?

Friend: Because that’s his last name… isn’t that an awesome last name?

Me: That’s weird…my pediatrician’s name is Dr. Soso. (Yes I still go to a pediatrician…I don’t care, she’s nice and gives me popsicles so too bad.)

Hypocritical Doc: Where are you from because I’m pretty sure that’s my mom.

Awkward…because she’s also my baby nephew’s pediatrician too. I really should start going to a real doctor.

I’m assuming that when he went home there’s a strong likelihood that he went through my medical records and now has a comprehensive understanding of my menstrual cycle and other such dainty details about my body. Definitely don’t need him knowing any embarrassing facts about me such as the time I came to his mother’s office hysterical crying because I thought the pimple on my back was a malignant tumor.


After the party I was sure I would never hear from him again and planned to switch doctors as soon as humanly possible. How awkward would that be at my next visit? I can see it now…

She’ll ask me what I think of her son as she tightens the blood pressure cuff with a fierce intensity, ends up cutting off circulation to my brain and killing me right there in her office. It’s no secret that all mothers are under the impression that no one is good enough for their son, especially if he is a doctor.

How wrong I was! Clearly my medical files impressed him enough to ask me out. Maybe there’s something in there that makes me genetically desirable? Who knows?

On the date I discovered just how vast his obsession with smoking was and I can honestly say that I have never been more turned off in my life. With the exception of when he threw in that the reason he was in randomville for medical school was because it was the only place he was accepted to.

To sum:

Despite the marrieds pressuring me to go out with him again, I must politely decline on the grounds that, while it might be his, dating a drug addict is not exactly my idea of happily ever after.

4 Responses to “Coincidence?”

  1. Miss Chocoholic November 6, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    All I have to say is that you have quite a record of meeting and/or dating people with comedic last names. Its actually very entertaining.

    • umcheckplease November 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

      Haha I know!! ahh! I really can think of at least 5 ridiculously last named people I’ve dated.

      It’s such a shame because mine is sooo awesome. Hopefully destiny isn’t punishing me for that by trying to stick me with a weirdo future last name.

  2. thoughtsappear November 7, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    I want a genetic trait that causes me to have no hair on my legs on underarms.

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