Fifty Shades of Predictable

10 May

Fifty Shades of Grey has become the modern day “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” (D.H. Lawrence). Both were considered to be extremely scandalous works of the time. Suffice it to say, I have read both and found it very interesting to see just how much times have changed. Lawrence’s novel is a children’s bedtime story in comparison to the depths of E.L. James’ depravity.

People refer to it as that “book” as in “have you read the book?” By people, I really mean women because, this book is catered and designed specifically for the female population who easily fall for the troubled Mr. Grey.

It has become the subject of many a hushed dinner conversation. Secret book clubs have formed to discuss the contents of this illicit piece of fan fiction.

Therefore, I decided that instead of studying for my finals, I would see what all the fuss was about and reserved myself a copy at the library.

Yeah. So there was no way I was going to wait that long to read it. 196th in line???? I don’t wait on lines to begin with and especially not behind 196 people. I’m way too impatient for that! I decided to obtain the book by other means. Every person who read it had the same answer.

“Oh you can’t read that!!!”

“No no… you have to be married to read that!!”

Obviously that just made me want to read it even more! Textbook reverse psychology people… Come on!

Finally, I managed to get my hands on a copy of this book by stealth and finished it in one sitting.

Frankly, this book annoyed me to no end and I’ll tell you why. I’m not even going to say “spoiler alert” because I was able to predict this entire book after reading the first chapter.

The main character, Mr. Grey is portrayed as this handsome, charming, billionaire who, on the side, also happens to be a psychotic, controlling and seriously disturbed sadist.

Great. Just the guy I would love to bring home to mom!


Anyway, he sees the innocent, doe eyed, virginal, Ms. Anastasia Steele and relentlessly persists and stalks his way into her life in an attempt to persuade her to be his…”plaything” for lack of a better word.

Bottom line is this guy is a maniac and the author expects the reader to be ok with it, to just brush it under the rug and fall for him just like Anastasia does. How you might ask?

Well, I shall tell you. The author, in a very NON subtle manner, tries to get the reader to understand why he is the way he is.

OH… its all justifiable because, you know, he had such a tormented and troubled past. Oh, look at him waking up at odd hours and playing mournful ballads on the piano, look at him driving his billion dollar car listening to tormented Bruce songs and sad opera music.

Am I supposed to feel bad for him? To think about his sensitive side and ignore the fact that he has serious psychological problems?


He is crazy!!!! He steals this woman’s innocence and she is none the wiser. She thinks it’s a normal relationship!

It is so classic!

You want to know why this story appeals to so many women? It’s because this book is yet ANOTHER example of a situation where a man needs “saving”, an innocent woman comes to his rescue and he changes his entire lifestyle to be with her. How original. If only that actually happened in real life.

Oh poor Mr. Grey can’t bare to have anybody touch him because he was never shown any love as a child.

And look, here comes the innocent Miss Steele who challenges him, who doesn’t willingly accept his controlling nature, who defies him and is exactly the opposite of what he was looking for. She causes him to feel things, awww, to fall in love and to be willing to give up some of his odd tendencies.

Look how he changes for her. Look at the lengths he goes to be with her. Buys her a car, a computer, a phone, a house, an entire wardrobe. Buys the agency she works for so he can keep her safe (controlling much?), takes her on his jet, on his helicopter, on his boat etc etc…

The entire time I was reading this book, I kept thinking to myself. I wonder if she would put up with his crap if he were poor.

No seriously. This is a real thing and this is why I like low key dates. I don’t need to be distracted by fancy outings, I just want to get to know you.

Anyway, if Mr. Grey was poor, would Anastasia deal with all of his baggage? If he wasn’t able to woo her good sense away with his completely realistic 100k/hour salary , would she love this twisted person?

Think about it seriously. Would you willingly go attempt a relationship with man who is so controlling that he has a file with your birth certificates, social security number, bank account etc? A man who was abused and finds joy in abusing you? A man who is SOO controlling that he tells you what to can and cannot wear, who you can spend time with (IF he even allows you to leave his presence), where you can go (with supervision from body guards of course) etc…

WHAT THE HECK!????!!!!

If any person dared threaten my independence… good riddance to him and to his 100k an hour salary. (Seriously though, if he works 10 hours thats a million dollars in one day. VERYYYY realistic)

Aside from the absurdity of this fake plot line, the reader is just supposed to assume that Mr. Grey and Anastasia love each other. There was no actual portrayal of them falling in love for any real reason. The entire beginning of the story revolved around him stalking her and trying to force her to be HIS. So at what point did they fall in love exactly? Because there really isn’t any logical reason for them to work as a couple. She is the total opposite of what he is looking for and their relationship is based on what exactly?????

The book is literally the most repetative cycle ever.

She defies him, he gets mad, they have sex, she thinks she isn’t enough for him, they have sex, they wake up, they have sex. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

WOW some great literature there.

Additionally, there is no original dialogue.

All Anastasia says the entire book are variations of the following:

“Holy cow”

“Oh my”

“He is so hot”

Along with many references to her “inner goddess” who seemingly speaks more than Anastasia does.

All he says the entire book are variations of:

“You are so beautiful”

“You are mine”

“You never cease to amaze me”

Insert eye roll here…

Anastasia is literally a vessel in this book. Her only purpose is to be Mr. Grey’s property, obey his every desire and smile. At the start of the book she had it all. Graduated from college, got a nice job offer, had friends. Then all of a sudden this guy comes in and just takes over her entire life and transforms her into this nervous, self conscious, insecure little brat who clearly suffers from some form of amnesia because she repeats herself a billion times and has the same inner conflicts for 600 pages.

For the majority of the book, Anastasia teeters back and forth between feeling like she “can’t be what he wants me to be” and “Oh my I have to be with him because I can’t live without him.”

STOP IT! If he tells you that you are enough for him, then thats the end of the discussion. No need to keep harping on the same subject- we could have hacked off 79 pages of the book.

And what ever happened to being yourself and not what some guy wants you to be?

Every time she would bring up an excuse to leave him I wanted to scream at her! HELLO CLEARLY you are making excuses because you don’t actually want to be with him. You are just being blinded by his money and physical pleasures and your innate desire to “save” him from his twisted past in a vain attempt to make him whole again.

Blah Blah Blah…

This is the oldest story ever and frankly I am bored.

This book is terrible on so many levels but mainly because it gives women false hopes into thinking they can have a man change for them, or go to outrageous lengths to be with them.

The only purpose this book served  was to create an army of sexually frustrated females with ridiculously high standards.

6 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Predictable”

  1. leashieloo May 10, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    You were only196th? I’m 2000th in line for this book and I refuse to buy it!

  2. nelle May 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    Ugh.I’ll pass, thank you very much.

  3. yedid Nefesh May 13, 2012 at 1:57 am #

    I haven’t read the book so I cannot really be a good critic. But I do want to say how surprised I am about all the fuss around this book. I’m an avid reader and I will read anything. i will like a book for it’s plot, for it’s litterature, for it’s creativity, for the way it’s written, for it’s characters, anything as long as you give me something. But sometimes I am puzzled to see what the media/society picks as the “new -It” book. First of all, it is not original and second, I fail to see what is so great about the book, that it’s got people so into it. I am not saying it is no good, all i mean to say is that there are SO many great book out there unknown and of such great qualities, that people need to start forming opinions for themselves and not just based on PR and what others like

    • umcheckplease May 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

      I’m ALWAYS looking for good book recommendations!! Let me know

  4. sue bee July 16, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    my thoughts exactly!!!! wonderful review!

  5. jp July 16, 2012 at 10:20 am #

    great book worked a treat… keeps wives all over the country quiet while they read it! best few weeks sleep us men had in ages!

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