Idiots 2.0

5 Aug

It’s no secret that nowadays most of all communication takes place via text message. That being said, there are a few instances where texting is not only NOT warranted, its downright inappropriate and annoying.

Por ejemple. If a friend is setting you up with a guy and instead of calling you like a normal person, he starts a texting conversation.

Seriously?

I take no issue with texting. As I said before, I text all the time and probably will incur a repetative stress injury in the near future. However…HOWEVER. What I do NOT enjoy, is texting a total stranger. I don’t know you, therefore when I get a text that says “Hi how are you?” I am forced to hold back my quick witty tongue and refrain from answering with a death threat.

You don’t know me so why would you care about how I am doing? I certainly don’t care how you are doing person I’ve never met. Just call and make everybody’s life easier.

Anyway, so obviously I answered because dates are few and far between lately and also because I wrongly assumed that he was probably texting me because he was at work and planned on calling me later to prevent him from “dozing off at the wheel”- apparently I had been recruited for this prestigious task.

WRONGO!

It’s been 4 days and despite my chopped 2 word answers I have yet to receive a phone call. Instead he attempts to have a first date via text message and asks me about my ethnicity, job and siblings. AND THEN… the creme de la creme… he tells me to facebook friend him.

After the shock of that request wore off. I did NOT send him a request, but instead decided to check him out on facebook regardless. Come on…we all do it.

What did I discover might you ask?

No, he is not a serial killer or incredibly hideous. Instead I noticed the familiar face of the guy next to him in his profile picture. After putting 2 and 2 together I observed the similarities between the two gents. That being their last name, coloring and features to discover they are brothers. Who is the brother? Oh just a guy who I met in Jamaica circa 3 years ago who also had a weirdo obsessh with texting…the inappropriate and non reciprocated kind.

I can’t make this stuff up if I tried.

 

I May Or May Not Have A Problem

2 Jan

It’s one thing for a girl to fall in love with fictional characters (namely vampires). But what happened to me in a matter of mere moments can definitely be classified as ridiculous/ disturbing/ classic me.

It all started the day after New Years. I was sitting home on my couch in pajamas watching Jeopardy with the mom in our usual fashion.

Suddenly, I was drawn to the screen with what could only be described as fierce urgency as I locked eyes with one of the contestants.

Smart, cute, Jewish, nerdy…

Be still my heart…

Image

I may or may not have googled/ facebooked him.

I may or may not know his whole life story.

I may or may not be hoping he comes across the blog and emails/proposes to me.

I may or may not have reached a new low.

I may or may not have a problem……

 

 

Get Excited

23 Dec

Guess who’s back…back again…

It’s been a while since my last post, I know. However, I’ve decided that now that I have some free time on my hands it would be beneficial for you me that I revisit my love for writing and revel in my freedom of expression. This is America after all.

For months I have been in the process of moving forward with my life. New friends, new interests, new living situation, new dating scene etc…

It’s been great for me and I am so thankful to be able to have such opportunities at a time when I thought I had nothing.

I wanted to talk for a moment about a topic that has come up a few times in the past few months.

Excitement.

Very often I come home after a date and its shockingly normal.

Nothing absurd happened, nothing to blog about, nice guy, nice atmosphere, nice conversation.

Great.

No reason not to go out again right?

So I go again. Same thing happens. Nice, nice, nice…

And the cycle continues, until I get so bored that the thought of spending an evening with them is just mentally exhausting.

relationship-dating-eight-days-hanukkah-ecards-someecards

When I do eventually end it, it’s usually due to lack of excitement. You know it’s a problem when you are more excited about a TV show and will schedule a date around said show to avoid any conflict (even though you have TIVO and everything is online anyway).

I realize that it sounds so stupid to stop dating a person because I am just not excited. In the grand scheme of things I know that its very likely that I won’t feel excited 10, 15 years into marriage. But, you know what? I think it should at least start out with SOME kind of excitement! I have felt it before, and maybe it spoiled me into thinking that its a necessary component in a relationship. Who knows? But I still want it.

I had this conversation with one of my guy friends and he asked me what I meant by “excited.”

I mean feeling like you want to spend time with someone, actually caring about what they have to say. Just seeing their name on the caller ID makes you smile. When you get a text from them, you can’t wait to answer. Then, when you do answer, you are anticipating their response. I mean feeling like the time until you will next see one another seems like an eternity. Looking at the clock and realizing you have been out for 6 hours and it seemed like only 20 minutes. The thought of leaving them at the end of a date makes you sad. Get it?

Excited.

Is that too much to ask?

I just want to feel excited. And I don’t. And it’s annoying.

4 Jun

20120604-223525.jpg

Fifty Shades of Predictable

10 May

Fifty Shades of Grey has become the modern day “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” (D.H. Lawrence). Both were considered to be extremely scandalous works of the time. Suffice it to say, I have read both and found it very interesting to see just how much times have changed. Lawrence’s novel is a children’s bedtime story in comparison to the depths of E.L. James’ depravity.

People refer to it as that “book” as in “have you read the book?” By people, I really mean women because, this book is catered and designed specifically for the female population who easily fall for the troubled Mr. Grey.

It has become the subject of many a hushed dinner conversation. Secret book clubs have formed to discuss the contents of this illicit piece of fan fiction.

Therefore, I decided that instead of studying for my finals, I would see what all the fuss was about and reserved myself a copy at the library.

Yeah. So there was no way I was going to wait that long to read it. 196th in line???? I don’t wait on lines to begin with and especially not behind 196 people. I’m way too impatient for that! I decided to obtain the book by other means. Every person who read it had the same answer.

“Oh you can’t read that!!!”

“No no… you have to be married to read that!!”

Obviously that just made me want to read it even more! Textbook reverse psychology people… Come on!

Finally, I managed to get my hands on a copy of this book by stealth and finished it in one sitting.

Frankly, this book annoyed me to no end and I’ll tell you why. I’m not even going to say “spoiler alert” because I was able to predict this entire book after reading the first chapter.

The main character, Mr. Grey is portrayed as this handsome, charming, billionaire who, on the side, also happens to be a psychotic, controlling and seriously disturbed sadist.

Great. Just the guy I would love to bring home to mom!

Not.

Anyway, he sees the innocent, doe eyed, virginal, Ms. Anastasia Steele and relentlessly persists and stalks his way into her life in an attempt to persuade her to be his…”plaything” for lack of a better word.

Bottom line is this guy is a maniac and the author expects the reader to be ok with it, to just brush it under the rug and fall for him just like Anastasia does. How you might ask?

Well, I shall tell you. The author, in a very NON subtle manner, tries to get the reader to understand why he is the way he is.

OH… its all justifiable because, you know, he had such a tormented and troubled past. Oh, look at him waking up at odd hours and playing mournful ballads on the piano, look at him driving his billion dollar car listening to tormented Bruce songs and sad opera music.

Am I supposed to feel bad for him? To think about his sensitive side and ignore the fact that he has serious psychological problems?

PUH-LEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is crazy!!!! He steals this woman’s innocence and she is none the wiser. She thinks it’s a normal relationship!

It is so classic!

You want to know why this story appeals to so many women? It’s because this book is yet ANOTHER example of a situation where a man needs “saving”, an innocent woman comes to his rescue and he changes his entire lifestyle to be with her. How original. If only that actually happened in real life.

Oh poor Mr. Grey can’t bare to have anybody touch him because he was never shown any love as a child.

And look, here comes the innocent Miss Steele who challenges him, who doesn’t willingly accept his controlling nature, who defies him and is exactly the opposite of what he was looking for. She causes him to feel things, awww, to fall in love and to be willing to give up some of his odd tendencies.

Look how he changes for her. Look at the lengths he goes to be with her. Buys her a car, a computer, a phone, a house, an entire wardrobe. Buys the agency she works for so he can keep her safe (controlling much?), takes her on his jet, on his helicopter, on his boat etc etc…

The entire time I was reading this book, I kept thinking to myself. I wonder if she would put up with his crap if he were poor.

No seriously. This is a real thing and this is why I like low key dates. I don’t need to be distracted by fancy outings, I just want to get to know you.

Anyway, if Mr. Grey was poor, would Anastasia deal with all of his baggage? If he wasn’t able to woo her good sense away with his completely realistic 100k/hour salary , would she love this twisted person?

Think about it seriously. Would you willingly go attempt a relationship with man who is so controlling that he has a file with your birth certificates, social security number, bank account etc? A man who was abused and finds joy in abusing you? A man who is SOO controlling that he tells you what to can and cannot wear, who you can spend time with (IF he even allows you to leave his presence), where you can go (with supervision from body guards of course) etc…

WHAT THE HECK!????!!!!

If any person dared threaten my independence… good riddance to him and to his 100k an hour salary. (Seriously though, if he works 10 hours thats a million dollars in one day. VERYYYY realistic)

Aside from the absurdity of this fake plot line, the reader is just supposed to assume that Mr. Grey and Anastasia love each other. There was no actual portrayal of them falling in love for any real reason. The entire beginning of the story revolved around him stalking her and trying to force her to be HIS. So at what point did they fall in love exactly? Because there really isn’t any logical reason for them to work as a couple. She is the total opposite of what he is looking for and their relationship is based on what exactly?????

The book is literally the most repetative cycle ever.

She defies him, he gets mad, they have sex, she thinks she isn’t enough for him, they have sex, they wake up, they have sex. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

WOW some great literature there.

Additionally, there is no original dialogue.

All Anastasia says the entire book are variations of the following:

“Holy cow”

“Oh my”

“He is so hot”

Along with many references to her “inner goddess” who seemingly speaks more than Anastasia does.

All he says the entire book are variations of:

“You are so beautiful”

“You are mine”

“You never cease to amaze me”

Insert eye roll here…

Anastasia is literally a vessel in this book. Her only purpose is to be Mr. Grey’s property, obey his every desire and smile. At the start of the book she had it all. Graduated from college, got a nice job offer, had friends. Then all of a sudden this guy comes in and just takes over her entire life and transforms her into this nervous, self conscious, insecure little brat who clearly suffers from some form of amnesia because she repeats herself a billion times and has the same inner conflicts for 600 pages.

For the majority of the book, Anastasia teeters back and forth between feeling like she “can’t be what he wants me to be” and “Oh my I have to be with him because I can’t live without him.”

STOP IT! If he tells you that you are enough for him, then thats the end of the discussion. No need to keep harping on the same subject- we could have hacked off 79 pages of the book.

And what ever happened to being yourself and not what some guy wants you to be?

Every time she would bring up an excuse to leave him I wanted to scream at her! HELLO CLEARLY you are making excuses because you don’t actually want to be with him. You are just being blinded by his money and physical pleasures and your innate desire to “save” him from his twisted past in a vain attempt to make him whole again.

Blah Blah Blah…

This is the oldest story ever and frankly I am bored.

This book is terrible on so many levels but mainly because it gives women false hopes into thinking they can have a man change for them, or go to outrageous lengths to be with them.

The only purpose this book served  was to create an army of sexually frustrated females with ridiculously high standards.

You gotta be in it…

29 Mar

The New York mega millions jackpot is now $500 million dollars!

Needless to say I will most definitely be purchasing a ticket or 20 to increase my chances of winning. Then, when they finally announce my winning numbers, I will promptly contact my real estate agent and purchase an absurdly expensive apartment in manhattan or my own private island, retire, and possibly invest in some arm candy or a trophy husband.

Hey, a girl can dream can’t she?

I think we can learn a lot from the entire concept of the lottery, I am referring in particular to the tag line.

“You gotta be in it to win it.”

Very profound statement right there that we can all internalize and learn from.

In life, one cannot expect things to just happen for them. That suddenly out of the blue the man/woman/job/lifestyle/shoes of your dreams will just drop out of the sky and into your lap. You can’t expect to win the game if you’re sitting on the sidelines.

As much as we would love to believe in things like love conquering all, all you need is love, gag-inducing, sugar-coated romantic comedies and fairy tales, it just isn’t realistic.

Things in life take effort. Things in life are not easy.

However, don’t despair! If you do want the man/woman/job/lifestyle/shoes of your dreams… it is, in fact, possible! You just have to put yourself out there, and as unfeasible as it appears, try. Even if you don’t succeed, at least you can say that you gave it your best shot. At least you don’t have to wonder “what if”?

So people my message to you is as follows: Take chances, make mistakes, be risky, do whatever it takes to chase you’re dreams and passions.

Hey, you never know…

You just might come out a winner :)